melancholy

orange
purple
blue
pink
sky.



this feeling is so heavy, yet it floats in the air.
will we ever meet again?
my logic tells me, however flawed, that eventually your spell will fade away into the corners of my memory
but for now,
i can feel it
you are so alive to me right now...

the tension i feel when close to you
the mere thought of your eyes
clear, so clear. so infinite.

no one else matters right now, is that a problem?

you asked me yesterday what i thought about you
if i told you the truth
you might be frightened
at how much i like you.

i still can't use the word love.

i don't know what it is yet.

someone, please
fill this emptiness
my loneliness

feeling positive

thank you lovelies for the comments on the previous post. i reread them until they were imprinted in my heart; you are all so beautiful...

who knew words could carry such meaning, such love. if one word could say everything you wanted to say, what would it be? i wonder.

perfume mixes with nicotine.
the faint scent whispers in the air-

i think i will miss you.

if only feelings, if strong enough, could be transmitted across the distance to the one you love, and he could feel it.

and feel the same way.


i can only dream, dream, dream
kiss me through the air; maybe i will feel it

je t'aime

i love you. all of you.


thank you for being supportive and loving and beautiful.

i wish i could somehow give back the thoughts and care you've all given me; i wish i could be a fraction of the beauty you contain.

the days go by so quickly, so fleeting
like the white blossoms that float by outside

except flowers bloom every spring



broken hearts
so red, so pure
can you feel my pulse?
it beats for you, for me, for anything


i love you.
i love you.
i love

things are

okay. could be better. but that's how a lot of things are for me.

eating okay. not much snacking going around, mostly because i simply don't have the luxury of doing so time-wise and money-wise. trying to work out every day, it's motivating when a lot of the guys here are skinny and look as if you could break their bones.

hm. what would be the most efficient way to lose a LOT of weight in 2 weeks? i hunger for tips and advice, fellow bloggers.

xoxo, coco

so it's 1:10 am and i'm lonely.

chicago is not exactly the happiest place on earth when you're sitting in an empty room working on an impossible essay. it's also frightening with police warnings everywhere about muggers lurking at night. and when boys in your dorm are obnoxious and pretentious, it makes one almost wish that one was back home.

i don't really miss california. well, maybe just a little bit.


oh. and will update more on my lustful adventures mentioned in the previous post...(well. maybe i'm exaggerating a bit, but a girl can dream!)

lovers

love is a wonderful thing, so i'm told.

but i think that i may have only experienced lust.

sometimes i don't mind as much, but sometimes

it makes me wonder...?

chicago

leaving for a one-month trip to chicago this friday. no parent supervision. you all know what that means...i'm going to get thin! :)

sigh. it's about time i took myself seriously and got back to work. honestly, when my motivation drops it's shocking how low i can go (or how high, according to the scales)... which is why chicago is a chance for me to start afresh, in a beautiful city on my own.

i would also love to hear any suggestions on how to maintain weight loss/ good appetite suppression tips, etc. so i do well on my own :)

here's my plan:

breakfast: oatmeal, fruit and coffee

lunch: lean protein, cooked veggies or salad

snack: ...yogurt? fruit?

dinner: salad with protein/ soup/ grilled veggies

all in all, even if i don't follow this exactly i aim to stay at around 700 calories, because i plan to walk and exercise a lot.

i'm REALLLLYY hoping this will work, and that i'll follow this for a month. i'll need all the motivation i can get, so i'll be on blogger daily with updates!

xoxo, coco

ouch

so

much

pain


i don't know why i do this to myself.

experimenting

just took a 5 minute ice cold shower

and ate a few uncooked dried kidney beans.

i hope this makes me sick enough to make me stop wanting to eat at night.

i'm sorry for those who are probably disgusted/scared of me right now- i don't mind, i feel the same way.

but can't you see i'm left with very few options? starving only goes so far before i collapse and am sent to the hospital, where i will most likely be force-fed. bulimia, which i am told by a very wise person, does not make you skinny and leads to heart failure.

so this seems like the right dose of medicine- minimal eating and a bit of sickness to knock some sense into my food-enchanted brain.


by the way, raw beans taste terrible. i'm feeling dizzy already. going to spend the night listening to beautiful music and lying upside down on my bed. yummy.

hungry.

i hate myself for being hungry

i hate it i hate it i hate it

what is wrong with me?

i'm going to make it through tonight, i can do it.

i wonder how long this will last.