mixed feelings and mother's day

i'd love to find a person that i love and who loves me back; i'd like to give my unconditional love to my kids someday. i'm not yet sure if i'll even end up getting married, but it's a nice thought. today, for mother's day, i spent hours making pasta with loads of fresh vegetables, shrimp and wine, followed by a handmade card and offering to wash the dishes and clean up the kitchen afterwards (not the most delightful experience). i felt happy going out of my way to do something for someone i care about; it was a nice change from self-loathing and bitterness at the world. haha, only kidding (sort of). i only wish i could have the heart to be this nice to my mom every day, and that she could feel loved like this each day. it kind of makes me sad that beautiful, amazing things don't last very long... but in a twisted sort of way that makes them all the more special, i think.

well, look at me, debbie downer, overthinking mother's day.

haha, i also wanted to give much love to all of you out there; i'm especially delighted at ellie's terribly kind gesture of giving me a blogger award- thanks so much<3 and for those who didn't have a very nice mother's day, i am here for you and i extend my love and thanks for being wonderful caring people. i hope everyone has a great week and keeps blogging! i don't always have time to comment but i genuinely love reading everyone's posts.

xoxo,
coco

reader discretion advised

i wish i didn't have to see you as an idiotic bigot sometimes. i wish you would just shut the fuck up and stop shoving shit down my throat every 5 seconds. i wish i could love you and appreciate you and respect you. i wish it didn't have to be like this. i wish you wouldn't come into my fucking room and invade my personal space. i wish you would listen to what i have to say instead of considering me as still a child. thanks for encouraging me to starve myself even more. you're doing an excellent job. i still love you, dad. i'm sorry.

tough it out

so lately i've been eating chips and random tidbits of death at school...

which has resulted in monstrosity in my thighs, belly and arms

shame....


i've been trying to keep up with "healthy" dieting- which is essentially a less extreme diet that lasts longer to have permanent effects

and it hasn't been working, namely because i haven't been following it!!

so i apologize for being bad and i must get in shape starting now!

i think i have a plan- to cut out on eating altogether at school, and just have an early dinner when i get home.

which means i'll be having breakfast and dinner, and my chances of binging at home will be less because i'll have just eaten an actual dinner.

sounds good? i'm not sure if it'll work because i do crave a lot of shit at school, but it's worth a try- i need to get that flat stomach!

wish me luck, lovelies

xoxo,coco

self-destructive

whenever you yell at me and give me that look it makes me shrink inside

i want to wither up, shrivel up and vanish

you criticize and criticize and it drives me quite mad

and makes me more than want to do terrible things
...to myself

this is for you, because you mean so much to me

watch me disappear, until you can't see me anymore.

watch me.

much ado about nothing

i keep back my tears
to save them for when time calls
but lately i feel the need
to let them fall when they want

thank you

everyone for your support...
really i can't express how much it means to have people understand and go through the same stuff... i realize i need to be strong and do well in my studies but not compromise on myself...

well just for you guys...

i fasted the whole day today!

well, i had two starbucks tall soy lattes.

but other than that, nothing

back to 115! :)

xoxo, coco

near apathy

i really want to get into university of chicago.
very much so

grades are consuming me, school, SAT scores, etc

i simply feel too overwhelmed to care about my body anymore
sometimes i feel like leaving my body to die
and just focusing on "priorities"

i know i'll regret it later, but for now i can't think about too many things at once.


life is depressing right now.