plan

today i will:

-study for the SAT
-finish my math hw
-do some government homework

cross my fingers!

hopefully i can squeeze in there a walk, and maybe a light meal so i don't binge at night. i really don't want to eat though, but i don't want to set myself up for disaster...

i love you girls. will post up some niceties later :)

grocery shopping at night

vegetarian lean cuisine, some low fat greek yogurt. should taste yucky and sour but i'll make myself like it. no more cookies/bread/pastries for me. what a naughty fat girl i've been!

no eating past 7, nearly no snacking between meals. no meal should go over 350 calories.

i also don't drink milk anymore, even though it's nutritious. can't afford the calories, you see. unless i drink it by itself and let that subsist as my meal. except i hate plain milk.

wearing a short bohemian dress, except i can't show it to you because my arms and legs are too fat.

but perhaps in the (near?) future.

love love love

fail

utter, utter fail.

can you believe that i actually talked myself (yes, i actually did talk to myself) into eating late at night? i told myself,"what's the use. you're not getting prettier and no one likes you anyway" and i ate. i just ate even though i felt a horrible sinking feeling. and afterwards i sat down and laughed at myself, and took a shower. in the shower, as the hot water rolled off my fat, lumpy body i felt a sickening disgust forming within me. i heard a voice hiss at me, dripping with hatred. "you fat, fat, pathetic cow," it said. i could not help myself- i was beyond tears and i wanted to die. growing desperate i plunged my fingers down my throat and purged, my disgust growing bigger as more of the shit came out. it was so disgusting, so very very sick and pathetic. i hate myself and i don't know what will ever become of this fat, pathetic girl.

hm...

it's been quite a day- i started off wonderfully productive by doing lots of physiology reading and having nothing but iced tea and carrot juice

..and then i went to SAT prep and felt a bit discouraged about my scores, so i stopped feeling wonderful.

and i ate. and ate. and ate. and i don't know...i just..

i don't know.. i can't weigh myself again today. not today.

...i was doing so well too...

morning chill

i love foggy mornings. they make me want to swim in bliss and drink ice cold tea and dance around :)

today is my sister's birthday! and i'm down on the scale...(wait for it) five pounds lighter !!!

it's kinda weird, though, because i don't feel five pounds skinnier. so hopefully if i eat VERY little today and drink lots of tea and coffee i can keep my weight by the end of the day!

so far i've taken a LONG shower, sat down and listened to some BEACH HOUSE (amazing band, check it out loves:) and.. today's my little sister's birthday party so i'll be making balloons and such.

no food yet! let's see how well i can do today:)

adieu<3

numero uno

hello mes chéris

thought i'd make you smile with a nice song. outside my window the white roses look so fresh and plush against the deep emerald of the grass, so lovely...

la la la :)

the 9-day plan

breakfast: black beans

lunch: fruits

dinner: lean cuisine!

1-2 small snacks allowed: 1 slice of bread & some nuts / yogurt

and nothing else! it's only until October 9th, the day of my SAT. so i feel good, not bloated, focused, healthy. i really have no problem with this, if i have a motivating factor. honestly most of the times i fail in dieting is because i feel like nobody cares and i lose motivation. but October is a new month! we can do this, Matilda! :)

i think i can definitely accomplish this because my mom packs me fruit for lunch, some nuts & a slice of bread for my snack (haha how convenient, no?) and i always have black beans for breakfast (not tasty, but i can deal with it). the only moderately hard part might be after school when i have dinner, but i'm thinking if i can stick to lean cuisine and maybe a small yogurt afterwards, i won't be tempted to binge.

* one positive thing i have accomplished this week: i've taken a strong liking for green tea again! i used to love tea but i stopped drinking it for some reason. now that it's becoming winter it's the perfect drink! :)

*one thing i hope to resist: eating past 7, eating cookies/chocolate- it's difficult because i have a very strong craving for sweets, even more than some people crave french fries or mashed potatoes or whatever else people crave.

*one thing i look forward to: oh, i want to save this for my next post!!:) october is going to be AMAZING after my SAT date:) so many things i want to do!

xoxo, coco

p.s. i know i'm posting quite a lot but i just can't keep this all to myself:) plus, i like making plans. so here it is. i promise to follow it!