so twisted.

we met one day in wet cement
where we glued our eyes shut
and pressed with our fists
and while the trees are shrinking now
they forgot their roots
and sloped in the ground
and while I'm picking out my favorite names
where our future is concerned
in the steady blur of the days
what brought us here, why we try to say
we face back all the way

now the cement's hardened in my chest
a world of wax
scraped in through text
and someone was calling just before I woke up
my broken record spits good and bad luck
and with my broken, pale black eyes
I still see white when the snow falls lightly
in the steady blur of the days
what brought us here, why we try to stay
but we face back all the way

Wet Cement, The Morning Benders

hello

ahh. today is a beautiful, cold day with rain, fog and white haze. something about the heaviness of the air reminds me of something cool and calm, like sleep. or death. i don't have anything important to say. i had approximately 400 kcal today, i think. i like black lace; i'm wearing my mother's black lace shirt right now. it makes me feel pretty, and is my only consolation besides the hope that someday it will look better on a thinner me. yes, a thinner, thin thin thin me.

adieu <3

coco

shh

...in a pathetic crawl with a whimper i return. not with a bang, but a sad, fat whimper.

yeah, i'm disgusting and gross. and stupid. and selfish. but whatever. i want to write this down and i want to do something about this. lately i've been butting heads with my mom 24/7, and i've spent the past week crying everyday after school over my pathetic existence. i've also taken an addiction to walking in the rain and eating ice cubes.

what is becoming of me? who am i? i don't know, i don't know, you don't know...

so judge me. but i'm going to make it through, you'll see. i don't want to hate myself, and i don't want to feel worthless. i want to fight for myself. so i guess i'm back.

and fuck the haters. fuck them all.

indefinite

thank you everyone.

this is really embarrassing and right now i don't deserve to be speaking to anyone... i'll come back when i deserve to.


love you all...

xoxoxo coco

okay

i feel pretty shaken up about what you said, especially because you're important to me.
yes, i suppose it's bad to eat very little. i don't want anyone dying because of my blog. but what happens in my life is what i put down here, and what i say is how i feel. if it's offending, i'm afraid i can't change myself, because this is the last place i have to turn. literally, the last place. i'm really sorry for anyone who felt triggered by this blog who is in recovery or whatnot. but i can't help it. my mentality is that food is bad, and i can't have people telling me to change that even here. i really just can't deal with that because i have nowhere else to turn. please just don't read what i say from now on then, even if i like you. because i just can't change this aspect of me.

coco

my loves

i love you all so much, you are SO KIND! :)

a million trillion hearts for you girls <3

i really feel so much better and happier whenever i see your encouraging comments; even if i'm having a bad day (which i did) seeing such kind lovely words brings my spirits up quite a lot.

and....

i did keep my promise :)
i had NO FOOD today:) nothing. not even a single drop of juice, nothing with calories.

i'm drinking green tea, which has no calories.

still a bit traumatized from yesterday (maybe i'll save it for another post), but nothing is in my stomach right now and i feel great.

i also went fencing today, so i burned some calories through exercise too!

i REALLY, sincerely hope that all of you beautiful kind souls had a great day. and we will keep going until we reach the skinny we want to be.

xoxoxoxooxoxo,
coco<3

screw up

sorry matilda.helen. and everyone else who was watching me progress. today my dad made me dinner and he tried so hard and i thought it would break his heart if i just left the plate untouched. i had salmon, beans, and vegetables. and now i'm eating some cereal.

yeah, once i start, it's a destructive path down.

but on the plus side, i won't eat tomorrow; i'll drink very little juice and go fencing to burn more calories.

i'm sorry.

yours truly,

fatty