bitter

why is it that love seems to fade after a while? how can two people love each other with the most pure, unconditional commitment and after a few years despise each other? was it lust, not love, then? or does love not exist...

my parents make me never ever want to marry. it used to make me cry when they argued, but now i'm just numb. numb and full of cold hatred for my mother, who uses me as her stress reliever to gossip about my father and complain about him to me. it's not fair. just because i'm her daughter i don't see why i must hear this about my father whom i love. it makes me so angry and hurt that my mother doesn't take my feelings into consideration. she has no idea how fucked up all this bickering and hatred has made me.

i can't wait to get into college. call me ungrateful, selfish, whatever. my mom does more harm to me than good, and i to her. i can't stay here for long.

i'm going to go far, far away, away from california and the smog and the heat and this family that is sparkling on the outside but rotten on the inside. i'm going to away from the hatred and the bitterness and the jealousy and mocking. i'll go some place beautiful and mend my wounds there, and start over. become a better person. and wait until my sister is old enough, and we'll travel the world together.

i can't love my mother because she hates her life. she hates her husband, she hates me. she longs for her past beauty, intelligence and freedom. i understand that. but that doesn't make me want to love her.

i wish i could see her reaction if i died. i wonder how that face would contort. perhaps into a smile.