bitter

why is it that love seems to fade after a while? how can two people love each other with the most pure, unconditional commitment and after a few years despise each other? was it lust, not love, then? or does love not exist...

my parents make me never ever want to marry. it used to make me cry when they argued, but now i'm just numb. numb and full of cold hatred for my mother, who uses me as her stress reliever to gossip about my father and complain about him to me. it's not fair. just because i'm her daughter i don't see why i must hear this about my father whom i love. it makes me so angry and hurt that my mother doesn't take my feelings into consideration. she has no idea how fucked up all this bickering and hatred has made me.

i can't wait to get into college. call me ungrateful, selfish, whatever. my mom does more harm to me than good, and i to her. i can't stay here for long.

i'm going to go far, far away, away from california and the smog and the heat and this family that is sparkling on the outside but rotten on the inside. i'm going to away from the hatred and the bitterness and the jealousy and mocking. i'll go some place beautiful and mend my wounds there, and start over. become a better person. and wait until my sister is old enough, and we'll travel the world together.

i can't love my mother because she hates her life. she hates her husband, she hates me. she longs for her past beauty, intelligence and freedom. i understand that. but that doesn't make me want to love her.

i wish i could see her reaction if i died. i wonder how that face would contort. perhaps into a smile.

day one is done

so today i had black sesame soymilk for breakfast (130 kcal), diet snapple raspberry tea for lunch (0 kcal), one more carton of soymilk (130 kcal) and two cups of freshly juiced carrot juice (?). not sure how much that adds up to since the carrot juice is iffy, but a good sign is that i'm hungry, haha. i craved sushi and chocolate cake today. good thing i didn't cave in. the picture below is a big motivation. seriously. and thanks to you girls who thought i looked okay. i don't agree with you, but still, it was nice and i thank you for that. i also went fencing today which means i burned calories...hehe

still really repulsed by my flabby stomach, horrendous cellulite-encased thighs, wobbly arms and fatty neck. but i will change my body. i will. i must.

xoxo, coco

10/11/10

feel free to laugh, puke, cringe, scream. i am disgusted but this is my motivation. i will become my own reverse-thinspo.

goodbye, fat! thin is on her way :)

this is not a romance

i'm in love with S. so very much. i know it's foolish and he has a gorgeous college girlfriend in New York but i like him. so much. when he put his arm around me i stuttered and blushed; when he smiled at me last week my heart stopped beating. i'm not in love though, because it won't work out. my hands get clammy and my mind goes blank; when he laughs and tells me to slow down, i'm always rushing, it's okay to relax...i can't resist him.

he sent me this song. we talk mostly about music and politics. i talk a lot to fill the space for fear he'll find me boring. i want to erase him from my heart but i can't stop thinking of eating pancakes with him at 1 am, smoking weed with him on the grass, and holding his hand while we walked through the crowds.

it's just wishful thinking. not a romance.

so it begins.

day one was decent, but i drank a bit too many juices to call it a "fast".

starting monday i'm going fencing again :) which means calorie burning goodness. hehe!

here's my plan (and i'd love to read everyone else's!):

breakfast: carrot juice, apple juice, or soymilk

snack: soymilk

lunch: orange juice, fruit juice

dinner: juice...?

i can't function on just water. in an ideal world i would drink water and float away, but unfortunately i am 17 years old, writing my college apps and essays, attending school and fencing. i can't afford to faint, because i'll lose everything.

but instead i make a compromise: natural, homemade juice a couple times a day and lots of exercise. i will lose weight, and i'll do it well.

we can do this.
xoxo, coco

it's easy when it hurts

i know i come off to some people as aloof, standoffish, cold hearted. but when my best friend no longer seems to care about me much, when he seems to be rather annoyed at me than happy to talk to me, it just about breaks my heart. it feels terrible to be rejected by someone you really really love spending time with and talking to. things just aren't the same. and i can't make myself forget him but at the same time it's killing me to think about him any longer. i don't usually get this upset with people- in fact, i pride myself in not letting myself get hurt easily. but with my best friend i feel as if something very precious has been snatched away, as if something pure has been tainted with ugliness and bitter blackredhate.

what happened? what went wrong?

i feel so alone.

I'M ALIVE

8

SAT's are over. YES!!!!!!!!

THE OCTOBER FAST BEGINS AS OF TOMORROW!!! MATILDA!!! (i am screaming inside of excitement :)

also, hello io :)

the other beautiful ladies that wanted to join matilda and i on our fast, jump on board!


cannot. fucking. wait. to be...pretty.