soon-to-be

seventeen...something new, something old, something foreign yet also familiar.

starting sept. 17 i will start taking care of myself, mentally, physically, spiritually. i don't want to be stuck in my sixteen-year-old shell any longer (although i have grown quite accustomed to it) and i'm pretty sure this is the right time to start. of course i can't do my fast until promised, in October (i cannot wait, lovely lovely lovely girls!!:) but i'll start preparing for it, by cutting back on meals, exercising more... and meditating.

on the topic of meditation i have a few questions and theories, all of which i'd love to hear your opinions about.

meditation...i believe this is one of the key components of being thin, if you're not naturally a rail (i know i'm definitely not). fasts can only last for so long, and we can only do them so many times in our lives until we get hopeless and frustrated and depressed. (that's not to say they're bad...but not reliable as a sole means of staying thin) Dieting requires immense self control, and at a certain point if you're not motivated (and i think you all can agree that motivation has its ups and downs) everything crashes down and we (i?)'re back to feeling despondent and fat.

so instead of training our bodies (which we should, but let's face it, a body is a body and a stomach is a stomach and the reaction to food is damned but inevitable) to completely reject food and not crave it 24/7, why not train our minds? our souls? in the history of monks, saints and other spiritually intact beings, people have fasted as a means of rejecting the bodily, the physical, gluttony. i believe it's possible, especially with such a beautiful support group, to do the same with ourselves.

we're all fighting for the same (or similar, essentially) things, aren't we?

i want to be thin because i want to feel beautiful. i want to be thin because i don't want to gorge myself on food like a selfish, nasty pig. i want to be thin because of the way my senses are heightened when i'm not sedated on food. Thin is acute, sensual, real...

i want to feel.
feel real
feel beautiful
feel loved