scared

frightened to eat anything
i don't know what to eat
but i'm hungry

i don't want to eat but

eventually i have to, right?

i'm scared

i'm losing weight...

this is weird.. o__o

i don't want to go back, ever, to that weight again...

care about yourself a little more, dear

so i felt like shit as of late
all i could do was eat and party, no sleep no exercise no nothing.

but i have something to hope for: the university of my dreams, and the boy who'll be attending with me this fall :)

i can do it! so far my skin has been clearing up, which is great. i stopped exercising and eating healthy, but that will have to change.

in fact, i am going to go grocery shopping today, after i go for a jog.

i don't care if it's 100 degrees out. time to slap on some sunscreen and go running daily.

coco you will do this. i want to be 115 lbs by the end of this month. confidence and hope is key. i want i want i need i need i can i can i will!!!!!

i promise this time. PROMISE.

coco.

pierced my cartilage (hurt like a bitch)

a new boy asked me for my number :)

skin's clearing up

gots to exercise daily :)

does anyone want to be text buddies?
i'm willing to try anything ..

forever

nothing lasts forever.

but i'm going to enjoy life, love, people, everything

while it does.


because i want my happy ending.

night cravings

list of things i crave at night:

-ferrero rocher chocolate
-pizza
-spaghettini with fresh tomatoes and olive oil
-sushi
-french fries


....this. is. why. i. am. fat.

all in good time

i have to keep up my progress; that way it actually becomes progress!
-day two of vitamins (they taste kind of bad)
-jogging/walking (i got a lot of glances from cars...creepy and not that flattering considering i have thunder thighs)
-haven't ended this day yet but i will take a nice hot shower before i sleep!

:)

routine

every day i will make sure i

-shower before i sleep
-take my pills
-jog


every.single.day. until college starts...

:)

i said

"shut the fuck up" under my breath

and my mom heard me.

i don't feel sorry though.


that is bad. i think.

but screaming and degrading and nagging is also bad, isn't it?

i don't know; i just want to get away and disappear...

oh, happy day!

my mum just made me a blueberry smoothie and gave me a small bowl of blueberries :)

that was my first meal of the day and it's 5:03 pm

hehe

one step at a time ladies :)

xoxo, coco


p.s. helen, i thought of you when i posted that song :)

dedicated to you

for every girl here who wants to be understood

i hate food

stop eating
stop eating

this week is torture.

why does socializing always end up in massive amounts of food?

do people normally eat like this?

because i can feel myself getting fatter and fatter and i do not enjoy this one bit.

fuck

passion, not love

love me too, can't you see

because i'm trying so hard to move on
and i will be able to one day, it's only logical


...but you're my baby, and i wish we didn't have to end this.


how does it feel
when i hold somebody else's hand
when i laugh with another boy
when i talk on the phone with another soul?


...i don't want it to be anyone else but you

but you don't see that.

and unless you want me more than this, i will never show you.


until next time, adieu.
perhaps we will cross paths once more, and maybe then we'll be right for each other, finally.

milestones

everything is easier when you've come really far and you feel good about yourself..

so let's try to be positive and move forward.

first of all i'd like to thank you girls, all of you, so much... for just being there for me and leaving encouraging words. i know we're all dealing with some sort of obstacle, and we're going to make it through, no matter how long it takes.

so i guess the positive part of this post is that : i have all summer to improve my body, my health, my habits, everything!

this week's goals:
-clear up skin
-lose 3-5 lbs

ways to achieve these goals:
-check my blog every day to remind myself of my goals
-jog every morning/at least 1 hour of exercise daily (i actually prefer jogging at around 5pm because i don't like the intensity of sunlight...but isn't morning healthier?)
-drink water and tea
-make myself smoothies
-sleep early (or at least earlier..)
-

trust no one

not even yourself.


i'm starting again, starting over

i'm so tired of starting over
so sick of trying and trying and not trying and forgetting and remembering and trying again and again and again

but for what purpose?

to what am i running towards, so desperately?

i need a lover.

mess

five days of drinking, eating, smoking

i am a mess.

back to work now.

i think i just need to tell myself not to eat as often as i possibly can.

when will i ever learn
that no one's going to love me for my insides

renewal

i am no longer dating the boy.
he told me sweet nothings and made my heart beat abnormally fast
made me smile and smile and smile
made me happy.
made me feel pretty.

but he lied, he denied everything, and he didn't want to be "tied down".


this morning i felt a heaviness in my heart. a hole the size of a crater in my chest. i wondered how i could fix this, tried desperately to erase the feeling of terrible nothingness in my being. i forced myself to eat because i literally felt like collapsing, but i couldn't sleep.

i then proceeded to feel a little better after watching some youtube videos (self help videos, british reality videos, make up tutorials...) and eating some food.

i went on a long run today, and at this rate if i keep running daily i'm going to lose weight :) i'm already slimmer now and i can see it in my collarbones. hopefully i drop all this weight by the end of summer!

any suggestions for healthy eating, things to do on my free time, beauty tips.. ?

much love,
coco