Sunday, January 30, 2011

severe mercy

don't be lonely, he tells me.
don't be scared. you're not lost. i'm here for you. i was always here for you.

he wipes my tears and holds me close.

i love you. i love you. i love you.

i will never leave you, even if the world threatens to fall apart. even if there is no one else left to turn to, i am here.

my heart aches and aches and i want to believe him, but i feel the doubt and hurt of my years holding me back. but little by little i am letting him into my heart.

one day, i'll believe truly that i am loved. and i will welcome it with tears of joy.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

an announcement

i'll be honest. ever since i lost the boy, i have been eating as much as i wanted, and frankly more than i wanted to. just for the hell of it. because i felt ugly and pathetic and why try to become beautiful when no one loves you? well that mentality destroyed me and i have officially decided to return to my old dedication and lifestyle. i'm constantly confused as to what eating pattern i should follow, as different magazines and websites give different advice. so i'll just stick to what i'm familiar with.

it begins again. my goal weight: 110 lbs. this is really, really, really embarrassing, but i'll just say it. for good measure let's just say i'm 125 lbs. so...15 lbs to lose. i'm not going to force myself to achieve this in just a few weeks, but i'm hoping this will be a permanent change.

my weight loss will be due to a combination of lots of fasting, minimal meals, PLENTY of exercise and hopefully lots more sleep. i really wish i had a nutritionist.

Meal Plan

1. breakfast, lunch and dinner. 3 meals a day. each at the same times of day.
2. breakfast kcal> lunch kcal> dinner kcal. going to try to eat less and less as the day progresses. this is completely opposite of how i usually eat, but logic tells me this is better.
3. eat HEALTHY food. since i'm vegetarian this means lots of tofu, veggies, nuts and fruit. stay away from processed junk, carbs and any calorie-filled liquid.
4. when hungry, drink tea/coffee, chew gum, do crunches, anything BUT eat. no eating at night; there is NO EXCUSE.
5. any failure must be punished the next day with a fast. for the whole day.

Exercise Plan

1. lift weights and do crunches everyday. even if you can't make it to the gym.
2. go to the gym more than twice a week. Ideally everyday, but if not then 4x a week is a good minimum.
3. Jog frequently with your ipod.
4. Go swimming.

Beauty Plan

1. sleep at least 6 hours each day. studying is an exception but try to cut down on useless internet surfing.
2. make sure you wash carefully before bed each night so your skin looks good.
3. Once a week try a face mask/ hot towel treatment.
4. buy a spf-infused face lotion (i'm almost positive sephora or some beauty shop has it)
5. dress nicely. even if it's a monday morning and you hate school.
6. take care of your long locks! use conditioner or at least put on some hair oil (at the tips) to give it volume and shine.

this will pay off. i know it. girls, if any of you wish to join me, i welcome you with arms WIDE OPEN!! this is really difficult and ambitious of me but i have decided to take the challenge and this will be so much more enjoyable if i have a partner :)


that girl

she likes the smell and texture of new books
she cries in her room at night watching films
she listens to music and lets her heart ache freely
she dreams of flying over fields of golden yellow
she tries to hold her head up high
she can't help but wear her heart on her sleeve
she tries to eat as little as possible

i know that girl very well. she is an inextricable part of me. she is the girl that i love and hate, the girl i wish to escape and keep forever.

i know not who i am, or where i am going.

all i know is what i feel right now, at this very moment.
i want to let go yet i want to hold on forever.

i'm losing control...

Friday, January 21, 2011

barcelona- please don't go

my lovely girls,

the last post might have seemed as if i had good news. i suppose in a way, in the long run, it is good for me.

i decided i could not keep talking to a boy i fell madly for over the winter break. his priorities and mine were different, and what he wanted was not a lover but a girl. just one to have around for the winter break until he went back to university.

sounds like a sad story, and i shed a few tears myself. but i'm okay now, and i feel a sad sort of happy, because i know it was for the best.

watched An Education yesterday. it's a lovely movie, and i think a lot of you girls might empathize with the main character as much as i did.

lastly, i know this whole post might seem like just a summary, but i just wanted to get it out. i'd rather not dwell on the subject because my heart is changing and i am slowly healing.

i love all of you. please don't give up on love, beauty or anything that is dear to you. hope is a beautiful thing, and it is not always foolish.


Wednesday, January 12, 2011

a lot

this week, this month just everything

has been a lot.

can't really recap right now but i'll spill the beans soon (:

so much is going on, yet all of this is numb at the moment.

just wanted to let you girls know i'm still here and reading your blogs religiously.

love you all...

stay strong, have hope, feel beautiful.


Saturday, January 8, 2011

never trust anyone

not your friends, who only care for your wellbeing up to a certain point
not your mother, who stops loving you depending on her mood
not your sister, whose feelings of jealousy and rivalry overcome love
not your lover, who gets distracted and tempted in a second
no one.

God, can you hear me?

can i even trust myself?

Thursday, January 6, 2011

dying of a broken heart

oh, i know i'm being immature.
i know this will have to pass eventually.

but i really just can't seem to get over him!
i've tried and i've waited but each day is painful and long and all i want is for him to love me back and realize i'm the one for him.

all i want is to have someone for myself.

i feel sick with jealousy that any other girl might capture his attention.

it makes me weak, helpless, empty inside to know that his feelings for me are dead. cold.

maybe i need to really lose weight? maybe then i'll be more attractive. and confident.

i have these phases where i feel desperately in love and dying of lovesickness, and another where i feel calm and rational and know that everything is going to be okay, and that my time will come.

except the latter doesn't happen very often, and i'm usually dying of lovesickness.

what should i do?! i want us to be like Harry and Sally except minus the long wait and hurry up to the happy ending.
i want my happy ending.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

back on track

loves, i've been crying over this boy and eating disgustingly
but time to get back on track!! :)
i really shouldn't be like this to myself and i know i deserve better
so thank you, and i love you all who were so kind to give me advice <3 <3 <3

lately i've been seeing progress due to my plan of eating only three times a day. it really helps me because i sleep really late and although i'm starving by 11 pm in the morning i feel fine and my stomach is getting smaller! :)

so i'll still post up a post-winter break picture to show you all :)


going to shower soon, going to start working out tomorrow (hopefully this dreadful rain stops!)

i have a problem of being rather lazy when it comes to working out in my room. i love running and going to the gym but i can't seem to do push ups or little things that really help when i'm alone in my room. hm. so i'll try to work on that.