Thursday, September 30, 2010

break

sometimes i need to distract myself from the issue with weight, beauty, etc. because it doesn't always help me. maybe i need to become more confident in my interests and absorb myself with things other than myself. maybe then i won't have such an unhealthy relationship with my body.

maybe; it's just a thought.

i wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented on my posts for the last week. i've just been busy so i've been visiting sites sporadically, commenting whenever i could. i really love it when you girls post, it's like i'm learning about amazing people but at the same time i see aspects of myself. i miss a lot of things, and i wish i could tell everyone out there how much i appreciate your kindness and dedication to staying strong, supporting each other. we all go through tough times, but we're holding on, aren't we?

i think i will post more music videos, pictures, poetry and song lyrics from now on. i'm actually really into music and literature and art, but i've never really thought of extending my interests unto here.

i think i'm rambling. i miss you guys. have i said that before? probably. it doesn't matter, please speak to me soon, all of you!

millions of hugs, kisses, laughter and funny faces,

coco

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

mohr, mohr, mohr

feels impossible.

fat forever? is this my damned fate?

Monday, September 27, 2010

trash talk

sometimes i can say the most wicked things. i can murder with my tongue, with my mind's hands. i wish i didn't have that in me.

dear me,

please don't set yourself up for failure. you promised yourself, you begged yourself, pleaded- that you would lose at least three pounds this week. you promised not to eat past 7, not to eat junk food or have any chocolate in school. you promised to focus on becoming skinny and losing that jiggly horrendous belly of yours. don't you want to be pretty? don't you want to be loved? don't you want to feel like you belong with all of your beautiful skinny friends?

please, don't forget. please. please. i believe in you.


Sunday, September 26, 2010

why can't i just stick to it?

why why why?!!

i know i'll regret it later. i know i HAVE to resist. but i just cave in. i throw all sense of responsibility/ good intentions out the window and i stuff myself, stuff myself until i'm emptier than ever.

hmm. this really needs to stop. i must fix this. otherwise before you know it i'll be so fat there will really be no other solution than to disappear from the face of this earth.

*removed my phone number for privacy reasons, but if anyone wants to text me, please please do tell me! :) *


xoxo, coco

Saturday, September 25, 2010

last day in bouville

life, passionate beautiful life passed
now i sit in the ashes, the ashes of my own
what once soared the heavens
lies trampled in the dust
the dust of my own
i am grey
now i am grey
but the phoenix rises
it rises once more

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

lately...



i've been feeling uninspired. tired, empty, fat. mostly fat.
stopped dieting and thinking, just eating until i felt sick...

i should start again. what do i do when everything seems futile?

Monday, September 20, 2010

have you ever

been so lost?

Friday, September 17, 2010

a thousand kisses

thank you lauren, matilda and kenya! you are all SO sweet (and matilda thank you for the cheerful post :) i was a bit confused today:

-breakfast: soup with a bit of brown rice
-no lunch
approx. 4 pm: tofu

binge: 1 slice of bread (60 kcal), cereal (???), the inside part of sushi rolls (not the rice)

ughhh. but i also walked for 40 min. picking my sister up from school, and later swam for an hour in the cold pool. not sure how many calories that burned...

oh. and because it was my birthday, my parents took me out to dinner and we had italian food. i felt sort of sick because it was too much food, so afterwards in the restaurant bathroom i tried to purge but it was mostly water and salad...strange. i did have a lot of salad and water though.

and when i got home i had a slice of cake, and a bit of my sister's leftover slice.
... today is my birthday, and i didn't really see a way out of that...

anyways. if you were disgusted by what i wrote above, my apologies. i received money, cards and beautiful boots from my family! if you want to see pictures i may post them up later. although i wish i could lose some more weight before doing so...
Overall this was a delightful birthday:)

xoxo,
coco

happy birthday

to me. seventeen years have officially passed since i was but a fetus in my mother's womb. they say that seventeen is when a girl is at her prettiest; i don't know about that but from now on i will try to be beautiful. thank you for your nice comments! although the camera quality, angle and lighting have a bit to do with how "pretty" i look, i'm not going to push away those lovely compliments. instead i return them to you (: i love you all; each and every one of you who have been so kind and caring for me when i thought there was no one who cared.

xoxo,

coco

Thursday, September 16, 2010

unveiled

/deleted/


this is a bit risky. but just in case you were curious. i know i am when i read your blogs :)

anyways i really don't have much to say, so this is all i have to offer.

adieu mes beaux papillons

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

.

i realize there is no point in self editing...
this is me
this is who i am, whether i like it or not


"inside every cynical person is a disappointed idealist"

this makes me sad

p.s. stayed home today; lied that my allergies rendered me helpless to do anything. i can't function

i hate this

i want to die


i hate myself i hate my body i'm so fat and disgusting and i want to just die

i don't understand why i am so ugly

my friend and his other friend joke around that i'm fat and they don't realize but i want to slit my wrists and die because i fucking hate myself

i am such a fat disgusting ugly cow

fuck my pathetic life

---------------------------------2:02am

took a hot shower for the second time today
purged
my eyes, nose and throat are swollen from crying
my lip is cut and bruised from my fits in the shower

i think i'm ready again. tomorrow i will fast. and starting now i'm going to work towards becoming thin.

going for a run outside even though it's late. waiting for my mom to go upstairs so i can sneak outside. i'm determined to sleep on an empty stomach and sore muscles.

Monday, September 13, 2010

inspire aspire to just be me

i was looking through photos from last year, and i found that this is a wonderful way to get motivated to looking like i did before. i've changed since then; my bangs have grown out and my hair is long, wavy and slightly crazy and lighter/redder in color. i've gained about 10 lbs. my style has changed, my thoughts and music interests as well. but i look back and i feel a tinge of envy over the old me. i don't think i felt fat back then; now i'm painfully aware of it everyday... i have to get back in shape. i want to be able to lie in bed on cold mornings and feel my hipbones...feel my ribcage...sharp shoulder blades and flat stomach...and thin, thin, thighs.

thin thighs are so.so.so.lovely.

i'm going to do this. i promise like i've never promised before. i know my official diet/change is due in October but i need to start taking baby steps. no eating past 6. ever, ever, again.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

soon-to-be

seventeen...something new, something old, something foreign yet also familiar.

starting sept. 17 i will start taking care of myself, mentally, physically, spiritually. i don't want to be stuck in my sixteen-year-old shell any longer (although i have grown quite accustomed to it) and i'm pretty sure this is the right time to start. of course i can't do my fast until promised, in October (i cannot wait, lovely lovely lovely girls!!:) but i'll start preparing for it, by cutting back on meals, exercising more... and meditating.

on the topic of meditation i have a few questions and theories, all of which i'd love to hear your opinions about.

meditation...i believe this is one of the key components of being thin, if you're not naturally a rail (i know i'm definitely not). fasts can only last for so long, and we can only do them so many times in our lives until we get hopeless and frustrated and depressed. (that's not to say they're bad...but not reliable as a sole means of staying thin) Dieting requires immense self control, and at a certain point if you're not motivated (and i think you all can agree that motivation has its ups and downs) everything crashes down and we (i?)'re back to feeling despondent and fat.

so instead of training our bodies (which we should, but let's face it, a body is a body and a stomach is a stomach and the reaction to food is damned but inevitable) to completely reject food and not crave it 24/7, why not train our minds? our souls? in the history of monks, saints and other spiritually intact beings, people have fasted as a means of rejecting the bodily, the physical, gluttony. i believe it's possible, especially with such a beautiful support group, to do the same with ourselves.

we're all fighting for the same (or similar, essentially) things, aren't we?

i want to be thin because i want to feel beautiful. i want to be thin because i don't want to gorge myself on food like a selfish, nasty pig. i want to be thin because of the way my senses are heightened when i'm not sedated on food. Thin is acute, sensual, real...

i want to feel.
feel real
feel beautiful
feel loved

Friday, September 10, 2010

i love you



Matilda Bonnet, Helen, Kenya, Marg, Lauren, Birdie <3

Thank you for saying such kind, beautiful, thoughtful words to me. You might have some idea of how much it means to me because I'm sure others say lovely things on your posts and you feel like people care about you and it just makes you smile... thank you ladies again and I only know that I'm here for you too if you need anyone.

xoxo, coco

i

just


want


to


be



beautiful....

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

enlighten me

why the fuck should i even care about losing weight if no one cares about me regardless? why don't i just become fat; you wouldn't like me either way. fuck society and its pretentious ideals. fuck everything. i can be anorexic and it's a problem; i can be normal and it's fat; i can be fat and it's disgusting; i can be myself and it's never fucking enough. so fuck you. fuck you and i don't give a shit anymore.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

fuck



my fucking day is so fucking frustrating

i have a fuckload of shit to do for ap gov and ap stats, and it's taking so fucking long and my "friend" i swear wants to fucking sabotage my relationships by copying everything i fucking do and like and everyone i talk to fucking annoys the shit out of me. i swear i'm a fucking psycho.

i hate this FUCK why am i such a bitch i hate my moodswings and i hate how the slightest things drive me insane i hate this ihatethisihatethis

i just want to stop everything and sleep and cry. sleep. sleep. sleep.sleepsleepsleep

Sunday, September 5, 2010

FYF fest

today was ....indescribable, but i will try.
how can i put a day like this in a mere post? i can't begin to capture the bliss i felt watching local natives and best coast live, the sun beginning to set, turning the sky a smoothie (yes, i said smoothie) of peaceful blueblueblue, soft pink and hues of orange. The occasional breeze was like a shower of kisses and i felt alive. alive. smoked cigarettes and weed with a green-eyed fellow and took pictures with bethany from best coast and patrick from titus andronicus. was starry eyed albeit tired from watching washed out; fell in love with the guy because he looked like a statue in the metropolitan museum... had nothing from 12pm-12am except 2 10 calorie red bulls and a few chips (so as not to look suspicious). after we all went to dennys for pancakes but i still managed to way less than before when i stepped on the scale just now.

mes chéris, i am so happy that you want to join me on my fast! i love and miss all of you, i want you to be strong and take care of yourselves and prepare for the fast after the SAT in October! i think i will start at around the second week of October, and it will be a week-long fast, maybe followed by a milder version so we don't die. ha ha, i love you and i wish i could meet each and every one of you so i could give you a big hug and listen to some sweet music with you .

xoxo,coco

Friday, September 3, 2010

despondence is beautiful in its own way



considering a fast after the SAT in october... i'm going to make an elaborate plan. anybody care to join moi?

une femme est une femme.

coco

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

scared

i'm scared that you might like me

and realize that first impressions are often wrong.


i could never be the girl of your dreams. but i wish.