Wednesday, June 30, 2010

i love

the feeling of my ribs and hipbones poking through my skin as i type this lying down. i love the feeling of an empty stomach, a bittersweet satisfaction that really can't be found anywhere else. i love it all, damnit, but i've still a long way to go. there's no way i'm stopping here, and no way i'll settle for this. i'm just enjoying the progress i'm making, is all. still a fatass.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010


thank you for opening your arms
when i'm shattered and hopeless

thank you for making me smile
when the tears streak down my face

thank you for waiting for me
when i'm waiting for everyone to leave me

thank you for giving me love
when all i deserve is punishment

thank you for being my friend.
the best i can do is learn from you.

early mornings

i love waking up in the morning, feeling the cool air lightly mist around me

this morning i took a morning run. it felt amazing and pure.

i had a small sweet potato and a bit of baked hashbrowns with salsa- but in total it was smaller than my fist (still bad i know but i'm trying to be positive!)

and now i'm at starbucks with my tall soy latte. i had a pb on wheat sandwich just now, don't ask why. but i think that's all i'll have until dinner (it's 12:36 pm right now)

dinner....1 granola bar? hm. sounds okay, but i think i might have had one too many carbs today. boo. well i'm going to burn it off at fencing later, and starting tomorrow i'll eat mostly fruits and veggies!

oh & ladies... i hope you all are having a wonderful summer so far! i haven't been very up to date on everyone, and for that i am an arse, please forgive me.

i miss everyone (especially birdie and helen who are both away at the moment <3)

my best wishes and a wonderful day to you all<3


Saturday, June 26, 2010


i know i've been inconsistent & a bore, but bear with me (it gets good later...sike)

breakfast: 1 granola bar & water

lunch: something involving protein & veggies

snack: fruit smoothie (can't get out of it... thanks mom)

dinner: lean cuisine/fruit salad/veggie salad

as a rule i'll stay under 1200 calories daily- i used to eat way less but considering how much i burn from sports and whatever supposedly it leads to uncontrollable bingeing later. which sucks ass but i guess i'll stick to around 1000 then.

confession: i really hate eating raw salads. it pisses me off, because i know it's a good meal and amazing for my fat ass but it tastes like grass. but i think if i eat it enough i can grow (i.e. force myself) to like them. maybe. hopefully. i better.

miscellaneous tips: beans make you REALLY full. grapes/dried fruits are fucking calorie bombs; stay clear even though they appear harmless. carbs (for me, at least) act as a catalyst for binges, so don't have any at all unless it's whole wheat- even then, be careful. stale chips act as a deterrent for compulsive bingeing; you're less inclined to keep eating nasty stale cardboard than if they were fresh & tempting. AVOID EATING WITH FRIENDS/FAMILY- you're basically setting yourself up for an epic failure- and you know it, too. make smart choices at starbucks- soy lattes are better than caramel frapps- and don't even think about adding whipped cream.

and last, but not least- salsa is ambrosia for skinnies. it's so flavorful yet low calorie it's unbelievable. salsa on your eggs, salsa on your salads, you name it.

thought i'd add a last bit: my greatest weakness at the moment is cereal with milk. i consume copious amounts of it. need to avoid cereal at all costs; must lose my affinity for it & replace it with healthy nasty salads.



* i would not dare think of leaving for good.

* totally stupid for thinking that i could leave my ed and be happy

* getting back on track. starting now.

* cannot fucking wait.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


i think this is becoming beyond my control.

i will be taking a break for an indefinite period of time. i don't know how long i will be gone- a week, a month, whatever. i just...need time to think about things, myself, my future... right now is too chaotic and i need some time.

goodbye, and i wish you all the best.

Friday, June 11, 2010


sometimes i feel great, like i'm going totally well without carbs and food.

but most of the times it's a constant battle- physical versus mental, sensory versus spiritual. i feel agonized yet it's a necessary, bitter process... to healing.

i need this; i know it's good for me. i can't go back to purging and feeling worthless and self-loathing- anything is better than that. even if it means biting my lip at the thought of food, salivating and mentally kicking myself in the head to snap out of it. even if it means ignoring the hunger pangs at midnight, or the dizzyness after hours of doing anything but eating. even if it means staying away from the kitchen as much as possible.

i just need to think clearly, remember that time in my life when i hated everything about my body and i wanted to just demolish it- and ask myself if i want to return to that state. if i want to ruin the wonderful progress i've made by succumbing to a stupid, vile piece of thing that just sits in my stomach. if i value myself enough i can't do this to myself. i need to get out of this vicious cycle. i just hope i can last long enough.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

thanatopsis and the Metaphysic

the concept of infinity- "indivisible and impartible...untraversable"- is quite the confusing subject. difficult to comprehend, if you think hard about it. because it's almost beyond our comprehension, if not completely. we've never even seen it before! this realm of mind-boggling expanse of infinite is almost so weird it can't exist. yet people are quite certain it does.

and we have time, and the timeless. and springtime. to imagine that a couple thousand years ago, a young girl was sitting in a field enjoying the sun and the flowers. fast forward back to 2010 and i'm that girl, except probably a bit fatter and sitting in front of a computer.

but no matter. spring is here, and we've got no time to study Kant and his Metaphysic hodgepodge.

Monday, June 7, 2010


is it really that difficult to control?

are we not more than carnal beings?

is not the soul stronger than the body?

i know i want to be thin because i find it appealing. but there is more. i want to be in control of myself from the spiritual level. i do not want to eat in order to satisfy some insatiable emptiness from within. that emptiness is not hunger for food. it is hunger for something else. for life, for love, for knowledge, for something. but not food.

until then i will keep fighting. until i can decide when to eat. and to eat because it nourishes me, not because i am a mess.

what does eating mean to you? and the reverse? why do you choose to restrict yourself, if you do?

Sunday, June 6, 2010

da da lum

memories fade into ground up crystals and visible light
heat seeps into the house, past the glass and the blinds
the brain is fried due to hypnotic music and white sunlight
keeps me from going out where it's nice
is not the word; i'm trapped/
the insides feel like shit.

leave me here to melt; proceed thereon to put me up for display

what becomes of the brokenhearted? is the question of the day.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010


you say you're here for me
you make sure i'm okay
you visit me when i'm lonely
you call me when i'm scared
we get along well
we listen to music
we laugh
we have spontaneous lunch dates

but we could never be more than best friends
you are too wonderful for me
and better off with a normal smiling girl
you'd get tired of me if we were together

so i'll leave it at that
keep my broken heart to myself
try to put the pieces back together
by myself

today i purged again. i think i will do a liquid fast tomorrow. it's strange how when everything deteriorates in my life, i can get back in control.