Saturday, May 29, 2010

iman love


music lover's award

thank you helen<3

ten songs that i have on repeat lately...

1. Sweet Disposition- The Temper Trap
2. Mardy Bum- The Arctic Monkeys
3. Like or Like Like- Miniature Tigers
4. Rich Girls- The Virgins
5. Last Words- The Real Tuesday Weld
6. A Dance 'Round The Memory Tree- Oren Lavie
7. Paris- Yael Naim
8. Don't Know Why- Norah Jones
9. Love Is Colder Than Death- The Virgins
10. The Party- Justice ft. Uffie

my ipod is white.

i don't quite know who to give this to- you all deserve a million of these.

anyone who sees this (i really do love you) is who gets the award. consider yourself (yes, you there) awarded :)

Thursday, May 27, 2010


in desperate need of motivation; some reason to live

haha okay, so it's not a matter of life or death.

but lately i have not been posting much because i feel simply hopeless. like all of this is just high wishes that can never be achieved. it's so hard.
thinspo only serves for me to feel sad and hate myself.
but even that doesn't stop me from eating till i want to die.

i think i overeat on purpose so i can feel like shit afterwards. if that makes sense. i'm twisted and sad, i know.

but back to the point- are any of you guys feeling down lately too? how can i get out of this slump? i really need to get myself back together but the pieces are so scattered...

Wednesday, May 26, 2010


burning, burning, leaving nothing but ashes

black black soot in the rubble/debris

nothing to apologize to, nothing left but the smell of burnt flesh

emptiness scorches hotter than white coal

i can't take it back; you've already been burnt

is it mine that is burning or yours? or both?

can't tell.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

some scars never go away

you know the ones that leave marks? that never fade completely away?

i really don't like those.

this is more of in the figurative sense. i guess what i'm trying to express here is this feeling of heartache and bitterness i feel after my encounters with some people. ex boyfriends who want to make your life miserable just to see you suffer, friends who throw knives at your heart and expect you to apologize, and the like.

it almost makes me wish i never met those people. but do i really want that? i don't quite know.

all i know right now is that it hurts, and i'm tired.

Thursday, May 20, 2010


my latest obsession: grape tomatoes

one grape tomato has 1 calorie. love.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

disaster, minus the beautiful

today was horrendous. absolutely terrible! it was rainy and cold today, which meant i couldn't go running today (i hate it i hate it i hate it) and i binged like a depressed pregnant woman. so i purged. well, not completely, but i did anyways...which wasn't even effective i think because it wasn't even that much... and i still feel huge. TERRIBLE! why do i do this to myself, i haven't the slightest idea. i think i need to respect my body more and not let it become hideous and blubbery. maybe change my outlook on life: do i want to be human or whale? i think i need something to keep me organized and focused. and so i think i shall make myself a plan. for swimsuit season, of course.


-breakfast: do not finish breakfast...usually oatmeal or black-bean shake(which tastes terrible by the way, but if it's healthy i'll eat it, damn it)

*throw away/give away snacks that mom packs to make sure i don't eat it i must do this as SOON as i get to school

-lunch: starve, fat bitch.

*after school: have fruit/yogurt or oatmeal...NOTHING ELSE NOTHING ELSE!!

dinner: try to eat as LITTLE as what mom makes but if it seems too fattening (which often is the case) have ONE bowl of cereal


breakfast: keep it light with either a drink or oatmeal/cereal/piece of fruit

lunch: fruit! eat fruit!...or starve like a good girl

dinner: whatever mom makes (unless it's fattening...then go for something light)



Monday, May 17, 2010

not funny

my guy friends joke around that i'm fat. a couple of my closest friends told me i was crazy for believing it... but it has to be true. i know it's true because i feel disgusting and insecure and ugly. there cannot be anything but bones left. it has to be done. no more procrastinating, shitting around. i won't let you get to me any longer; i'm going to fly away.

Sunday, May 16, 2010


chanel iman

i wish to be like her one day.

*as a sidenote: i apologize to all of you beautiful souls out there for not blogging as often as i used to; it's just my stability is on and off these days and i feel so scattered; i need some time for things to settle before i do anything for more than 5 seconds ... so for the time being, please tolerate her even though she's being terribly annoying :(

much love to everyone, stay strong and lovely xoxo,


Friday, May 14, 2010

acceptance? compliance?

would it be sick if i told you i purged for the second time today, and felt like flying afterwards?

quite possibly.

but i had to; i saw no other way out.

perhaps i want someone to save me

but a big (if not 100%) part of me would rather fight than give this up.

"nothing tastes as good as thin feels."

i love you kate moss.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

unsolved mysteries

things are a lot more complex than i imagined. i justwant everything to be okay in the end.

springtime is so beautiful; flowers make me happy

Monday, May 10, 2010

i'm sorry (this is not a good post)

i did it for the first time

i don't know what came over me...this demanding, obsessive urge to purge

but i did

at first it was hard; tears blurred my eyes and i thought nothing was coming up; i was a failure, too stupid to even throw up what i ate

i tried multiple times and i gave up after a while and went into the shower

with the hot water pouring i tried once more

and was shocked to see it come out

i don't want to say anymore; i don't know what to feel except nothing.

i'm scared of myself



i'm so scared right now. i don't want to do it but at the same time i can't let this shit stay inside of me

i promised myself i wouldn't; in fact i didn't want my close friend to do so but right now that's all i can think of

someone help


Sunday, May 9, 2010

mixed feelings and mother's day

i'd love to find a person that i love and who loves me back; i'd like to give my unconditional love to my kids someday. i'm not yet sure if i'll even end up getting married, but it's a nice thought. today, for mother's day, i spent hours making pasta with loads of fresh vegetables, shrimp and wine, followed by a handmade card and offering to wash the dishes and clean up the kitchen afterwards (not the most delightful experience). i felt happy going out of my way to do something for someone i care about; it was a nice change from self-loathing and bitterness at the world. haha, only kidding (sort of). i only wish i could have the heart to be this nice to my mom every day, and that she could feel loved like this each day. it kind of makes me sad that beautiful, amazing things don't last very long... but in a twisted sort of way that makes them all the more special, i think.

well, look at me, debbie downer, overthinking mother's day.

haha, i also wanted to give much love to all of you out there; i'm especially delighted at ellie's terribly kind gesture of giving me a blogger award- thanks so much<3 and for those who didn't have a very nice mother's day, i am here for you and i extend my love and thanks for being wonderful caring people. i hope everyone has a great week and keeps blogging! i don't always have time to comment but i genuinely love reading everyone's posts.


Monday, May 3, 2010

reader discretion advised

i wish i didn't have to see you as an idiotic bigot sometimes. i wish you would just shut the fuck up and stop shoving shit down my throat every 5 seconds. i wish i could love you and appreciate you and respect you. i wish it didn't have to be like this. i wish you wouldn't come into my fucking room and invade my personal space. i wish you would listen to what i have to say instead of considering me as still a child. thanks for encouraging me to starve myself even more. you're doing an excellent job. i still love you, dad. i'm sorry.