my lovelies

i'm so sorry i've been away for so long...i've missed you all! <3

lately i've been talking to this boy...

and he told me he likes me but i don't think he's very committed to me. he talks to other girls, he hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend, and...

it's so miserable.

i feel like i'm giving him everything i have and he's just going to snatch it away...

i don't want to touch food because i want him to love me and

it's just so miserable.

but i love being in love......

comment allez-vous, mes papillons? how are you all?

okay.

i seriously have not been following my plans of losing weight like mad over winter break. so it OFFICIALLY STARTS TODAY.

STARTING FROM TODAY I AM NOT GOING TO EAT A LOT.

the maximum number of times food can touch my lips today: 3

i mean that very literally.

okay. here goes, loves. not going to fall. not going to stop.

to make me motivated, i'll post a picture of myself at the end of winter break.

no fucking pain = no fucking gain.

what's wrong with a little chivalry?

i'm the type of girl that won't say yes unless it's done the right way.

it doesn't even have to be something extravagant.. all i want is honesty, frankness and a little bit of courage.

a look straight in the eye.

tell me what you really feel. and don't hold back.

or you'll lose me

motivation?

a boy of my own

what a curious feeling!

i wonder if that'll make me want to stop eating

today we were eating food and he joked around saying "stop being so anorexic and finish your food!"

....

you really don't even know.

words fail me

dreamy plans

i am repulsed by my body.

the only way i can starve is to finish my fucking finals and have my college apps out of the way. then i can lock myself in my room and watch foreign films all day, without a single bit of food touching my lips.

i can hike deep into the mountains with a copy of Faust and a blanket and some water, and read for hours and sleep in the sun.

i can go to the beach and listen to music and watch the sky change colors.

i can spend the night with a boy i like watching the city and the stars smoking weed

i can go swimming at the gym for hours

i can lie in my bed until 1pm and feel my ribs and hipbones and feel happy

does this sound sick? i feel giddy just thinking about this..

reasons

sometimes i don't really have a reason.

or do i? maybe there is a small, invisible reason, so tiny yet so important that it gnaws at my mind and my conscience and forces me to act the way i do.

what am i saying? you don't understand me, do you? it's okay because i don't understand myself either.

superficial? well i am made of flesh, i suppose everything on this earth must be superficial then.

temptation to lapse back into old habits and hedonistic pleasures

back into self hate and hatred of others

agony bitterness jealousy envy

lips part, eyes widen and i start to make a move

but i stop myself, shut my lips and avert my eyes.

think before you act, i tell myself myself myself

who am i?

lost in a maze, lost in the crowd

i am trying to find my way home.