lovelies..

sorry i've been away for so long; i know i've been neglecting my blog and those following me...

a lot of things have been confusing me lately; most of my chaos can be attributed to this boy who has been toying with me, teasing me and using me. it's been rough trying to balance grades, friends and family and still manage to avoid getting hurt by him.

i don't know what it is about boys, but they are really starting to scare me now. i'm becoming warier than ever and i don't know if i can ever trust someone completely ever again.

laurent

everything is a blur. i cannot explain just yet, because of the state of my mind.

but i will come back,
adieu,i love you

coco

hungry

for love

fasting

fasting.fasting.fasting.

friday fast
saturday liquid fast (water, coffee, tea, juice)
sunday liquid fast (water, coffee, tea, juice, soup?)
monday restricted diet (1 actual small meal, liquids)

...we'll see where i go from here.


fasting. fasting. fasting.

the only solid things i will be consuming during my liquid fasts will be vitamins. i really need to start taking those.

important dates

This Friday, banquet

Feb 19-20th, conference

Next Tuesday, lunch with a friend (;

Feb. 24th, concert

I've got to look my best! So from now until Tuesday, I'm going to have to do at least an hour of exercise daily, and seriously control what I eat and how much.

Again, I have to limit myself to 3-4 small meals a day, and before 6pm. I can do this!!!

wish me luck,
coco

mmm

so what exactly constitutes "mixed feelings"?

and an interesting conversation between my mother and me whilst driving home from school:

me: "high school relationships are meaningless."

mom: "there is something innocent about them though; not much calculation if you compare it to adulthood. In high school you just like someone because you do."

me: "still. they mean nothing."

mom: "no relationship means nothing. even if the magnitude of meaning differs, every relationship means something."



hmm.

screwed up

eating out with friends resulted in disaster.
i ate noodles and three pieces of chocolate.
i also came home and ate some more; i don't even remember what.
my mother made dinner so i had some of that too.

fuck. i was doing so well.

....i'm going to exercise for an hour outside; just by running and jumping in the dark with my headphones on. afterwards a nice shower and i should be fine, as long as i stay up late.

i'll update back in an hour or so.

------------------------------------

i haven't showered yet, but i ran/jogged/jumped/danced outside.
i still feel fat.
i still hate my body
i still can't stand myself.

beautiful mind

There are so many thoughts that flit through my mind every second of the day- many times I want to say something but I can't because I've got five other thoughts zipping through the halls of my brain, like tiny hot gas molecules bumping into each other and crashing into the walls.

Sometimes I feel it would be nice to just slow down. By slowing down I mean thinking deeply about just a few thoughts in my mind, and letting those thoughts float about gently in my brain instead of whizzing through.

Perhaps that way I could reach better conclusions and solutions about dilemmas I face. Truly think before I open my mouth or do something.

But then again the beauty of spontaneity could get lost in the midst of my logic.


It is a bright Sunday morning. I hear the sound of my parents talking in the bathroom, birds chirping and the babbling of water flowing out of the sink. With each pause of my clicking fingers, the silence fills me up like water pouring into a cup- deep, cool, smooth, calm.

to thine own self be true

"My honor'd lord, you know right well you did;
And, with them, words of so sweet breath compos'd
As made the things more rich: their perfume lost,
Take these again; for to the noble mind
Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind."

-Ophelia, Hamlet, Prince of Denmark

oh sweet Ophelia, how my heart aches with yours.
how it aches..

sont des mots qui vont tres bien ensemble

i love you all so much... i reread your comments over and over again because they make me smile :)

so right now school starts late, and i had some soup and a tangerine for a late breakfast/lunch. listening to The Beatles (Michelle, my favorite song as of late) as the sunlight bathes me gently in its soft embrace.

in other news..
i've decided to cut carbs from my diet. which means no rice, bread, noodles, or chips...

tres difficil! but i will manage, i know i will :) sometimes rules are good, rules are beneficial.

yesterday i spent the afternoon dancing on my balcony, swirling and twirling and smiling because the sun was shining and the clouds were pink. walked my two silly dogs to the park with my little sister, sunk my feet in the sand as i watched tall boys play football and skateboard.

my heart is lonely sometimes, but i am preparing myself for my true love...wherever you are.

a hundred kisses and tulips,

coco