panic

sometimes i feel great, like i'm going totally well without carbs and food.

but most of the times it's a constant battle- physical versus mental, sensory versus spiritual. i feel agonized yet it's a necessary, bitter process... to healing.

i need this; i know it's good for me. i can't go back to purging and feeling worthless and self-loathing- anything is better than that. even if it means biting my lip at the thought of food, salivating and mentally kicking myself in the head to snap out of it. even if it means ignoring the hunger pangs at midnight, or the dizzyness after hours of doing anything but eating. even if it means staying away from the kitchen as much as possible.

i just need to think clearly, remember that time in my life when i hated everything about my body and i wanted to just demolish it- and ask myself if i want to return to that state. if i want to ruin the wonderful progress i've made by succumbing to a stupid, vile piece of thing that just sits in my stomach. if i value myself enough i can't do this to myself. i need to get out of this vicious cycle. i just hope i can last long enough.