can't say i've been good..

today i set my mind on studying the whole day, and not eating
but unfortunately i ended up failing at both.

breakfast: -cup of soymilk and cheerios
-3 strawberries

lunch: -zero calorie mojito green tea (which tasted too sweet but whatever)
-soy latte (took off most of the cream on top... darn you batista)

dinner: -two slices of walnut bread (very thin and made with whole wheat... so not as bad as it sounds!)
-3-4 strawberries
-2 hot cheetos puffs (i cannot believe my mom bought those)
-around 20 (or more? oh God...) doritos

i know, i binged on the last part.. mindlessly eating those disgusting fat-inducing calories... but i hated myself for it so i took an hour long run around my neighborhood, the park and a hill. so hopefully most of it burned off.

i've drank one bottle of water afterwards, and i haven't eaten anything thus so far. hopefully my body burns off the rest of the calories i consumed because i'll be staying up until around 11/12...

let's cross our fingers for tomorrow.

hazel eyes that make my heart skip

i think i'm obsessed with you
the way you walk, long smooth strides
the way you smile and your eyes that light up
hazel, golden/brown/light summer green
your messy cute hair that falls just slightly over those windows
into your soul; i'm almost in love
but not quite because i don't know what love is
that deep voice that comes out of that smile
and sends quivers all over me

i almost love you; i like you very very very much.

confuzzled

why is it that when i binge, i don't give a damn about anything

but afterwards i hate myself with such ferocity i can't believe that i actually had the guts to put food on my lips?

it's a vicious cycle... as we all very well know...

- so spring break has been off to a shaky start. i got in a lot of running and fencing, but also ate a lot of snacks here and there and basically i think my calorie intake is balancing out my calorie loss. now that is just pathetic.

also, i'm confused as to the technical side of fat loss- starving yourself makes you fatter/ slows down your metabolism? how little can you eat before it backfires?


i want to wear a bikini with confidence. is that so wrong?

hello spring break

it's been a while since i posted, i know...
and i'm sorry for being lax on my part...

but it's spring, and spring is the season of rebirth, sunshine and love

so i'm going to try this once more and get back on track:)


i've got no school for the next week... so that means no lunch time with friends, no snacking during boring classes & no binging afterschool!

wooooooot:)

this is going to be awesome.

losing it

goodbye, goodbye

to you all, to myself, to this nonsensical chasing of mere dreams

dreams that vanish from my fingertips like smoke and fail to materialize

goodbye,

desperate

i really, really need to get back on track.

these binge-fests i plunge into every so often are just killing me.

i need to lose this shit, get it off my waist, my tummy, my legs, my arms

so from now on i'm going to have to stay under 700 calories.

every. single. day.

until the end of april

then when summer comes i can wear a bikini and not feel like shooting myself.

worries

my little sister has been worrying me lately- she always talks about how she wishes she could be skinny like me and how she's fat

...and she's nine years old.
i'm afraid that she might be developing the same problem as me, except much, much earlier... and that scares me to death...

earlier this afternoon i asked her what she ate after she came home from school, and she said she had two little custard cakes.

no dinner, nothing else.

i can't say much because i'd feel guilty even after eating those, but i don't want that happening to my sister

yes, she's a bit chubby but for God's sake she's a child... and she should be out enjoying the world too much to be worrying about her image

i don't know, all of this perplexes and disturbs me.

curioser and curioser..

today i watched alice in wonderland in 3D... and i must say it was an amazing experience! i loved the visual effects, the costumes, and the ridiculously eccentric characters (johnny depp never fails to impress me, and tim burton couldn't have picked anyone better than helena bonham carter for the red queen). i was overcome with admiration at how beautifully thin and delicate alice looked, and although i realize special effects and photoshop has a bit to do with it, i couldn't help but want so much to be like her one day.

today i took the SAT. it was alright, aside from skipping 3 math problems i feel confident that i might get a decent score... but on a happier note, i finally weighed myself today !! (it's been a week or more)

I LOST 5 POUNDS!!! :) hoorayyyy

today i felt accomplished because my diet consisted of:

-breakfast: too nervous to finish my already miniscule amount of oatmeal, had only a few bites and drank a bit of milk

-SAT: during break i was hungry and my stomach growled a little but i only drank the green tea i brought in a thermos, and one small banana (yes i know, bananas are bad but i had nothing else)

-lunch: i met up with my friend for lunch and a movie; she doesn't know about my obsession with weight so i ordered half of a salad and shared some chips and dip with her

afterwards, we shopped around and i felt disgustingly fat trying on clothes but later i went to the spa to relax and bathe and ate absolutely nothing. unfortunately after around 2-3 hours i felt nauseous and a bit dizzy from the heat and not eating much.. but i laid down a bit and drank some water and it went away, thankfully. when i got home i had a small yogurt because i was scared i would feel dizzy or nauseous again... and here i am, typing. :)

it wasn't GREAT but i feel accomplished for burning more than i ate today, and definitely restricting myself.

-in my earlier entries (i deleted them all out of shame and paranoia and impulse... please understand) i mentioned a special boy interest i have, hehe

i will refer to him as "the boy". haha i know, very creative. anywho, i promised myself to lose weight before meeting him so that i might look my best... and i guess i did achieve my goal, partly!

now i'm going to have to lose even more now, eat less, and keep this ball rolling :)

*p.s. now that the SAT's done with i can do sports 3 times a week now! successssss<3

hm

so i realized that i have an eating pattern.

-breakfast : very light, usually a few tablespoons of oatmeal with a cup of steamed milk & walnuts

-lunch: a peanut butter sandwich on rye

-snacks in between (this is at school, by the way): one banana, some slices of apple, one sugar-free 10 calorie jello, sometimes one orange

dinner: (a bit early, around 4:30-5:00 pm) cereal with milk or something that my mom prepared for me

i usually stop eating from then, but i tend to overeat during dinner... however i stay up until 12-1:00am every night ... i wonder how many calories are "cancelled out" from that?

anyway, this is not really an ideal eating plan, i know, but i'm curious as to how you guys eat and what your eating patterns are. i don't purge because i want to keep my teeth healthy and personally it frightens me, but i want to be able to cut back on eating without arousing suspicion from family or friends...

comments, suggestions, tips?

xoxo, coco

hello

these days (or hopefully it's just today) i can't seem to get back in my determined mindset... so for now i hope my beloved readers out there put up with me... i wish everyone the best of luck and i'll let you know when i can finally be in control of myself!
xoxo,coco