hmmmmm

so a music fest in my area is coming up. and i'll probably end up faded as fuck. but not drunk. because i've got to be home by 1am and my parents are hawks.

so this means i have to lose my disgusting weight so i can feel less self conscious when i'm with gorgeous people listening to beautiful music!

i must i must i must.

---------1:47 am-------------

i am so fucking hungry i want to go downstairs and have a bowl of chocolate cereal with cold milk i am so fat i am so fat fat fat

as i type this i look at myself and i loathe.

day 2

breakfast: 1 cheese stick~80
1 bowl of cereal with 2% milk~230

snack: 1 bar~140

lunch: chopped cucumbers, cherry tomatoes and grapes (shared with friends so my intake should be less:)~100

dinner: 6-inch subway: whole wheat with swiss cheese, tomatoes, spinach, bell peppers, olives and vinegar~230

snack: half a bottle of naked juice ~70
coca-cola zero~ 0!!! :)

total amount (4:55 pm): 850 kcal

hm. feels like i ate more, but whatever. tonight i'm going to have some green tea and go for a jog at around 6 pm. hopefully no more food later!!

*thanks kenya, i appreciate your concern; no one's dying here (i've got more than enough to sustain me HAHA) and good luck with everyone else who's doing this plan with me!

xoxo,
coco

day 1

breakfast: 1/2 protein shake
snack: 1 bar
lunch: sliced cucumbers,grapes and cherry tomatoes
half of a veggie burger, no condiments/cheese, etc.
snack: 1 bowl cereal with 2% milk
1 bar
~910 kcalories

dinner: lean cuisine: 230
dry cereal (binge): ~200(?)
bowl of grapes: ~100

total eaten: 1440 kcal

*ran for approx. 40 min. today...i think that's about 200 kcal burned off

so.. i guess that adds up to 1240.. again, this might not be accurate because i always assume something is more calories than less, and i usually round off numbers. i haven't eaten since maybe 8pm (the grapes), which was after my run. i'm hoping i can do better by eating earlier and not binging on cereal/bars. my parents were eating food later with some wine but i quickly ran upstairs to the safety of my room :)

i think i've burned calories throughout the course of the day, but i'm not going to weigh myself until sunday! wish me luck loves <3

xoxo, coco

*note: i'm SO GLAD for those who are joining me on my september goals! i love you girls and i will watch you get thinner with me :)

adieuuu<3

promises and excuses

this time i'm taking out all excuses.

i promise (for the month of september, and after that we'll see):

1. run everyday (well, mostly everyday unless i have a huge test or crisis, etc)
2. no eating past 7 pm
3. TRY to sleep early
4. virtually no junk food
5. amp up on my sex appeal (or whatever little i have) by taking care of my skin, hair, clothes, etc. **doing this should keep me motiviated to get thinner
6. study hard, so i can go to a beautiful university and live my life

hello sunday

today i woke up at six, took a shower, and walked around my neighborhood for an hour. i liked the fog and the chill. lovely. i thought about allen and the way the lush orange,yellow and green leaves reminded me of him.

i went to church later today. i had half a bagel and two individually wrapped cookie treats. and some tea and coffee.

for lunch i walked with my friend and i got a grilled cheese sandwich. because i only had five dollars.

i am writing this now and i haven't had anything else. i think in total that was about 700 calories. i know it was a lot, but i don't want to feel guilty about it because i am not perfect and i'm going to be better tomorrow. i think i'll have some fruit or salad later, and have some tea or something without calories. maybe i'll go for a jog if i have time, and hopefully stay under 1000 calories.

adieu mes chéris,

coco


------7:33 pm------
after the town hall meeting, which had a horde of muffins and cookies and pretzels... i couldn't resist and i had two small muffins (those tiny ones with chocolate drops in them) and a small cookie (by small i mean half the size of my palm). booooooo. did i mention before going i had a whole cucumber?

i came back, had some oatmeal and a 90 calorie twix icecream bar (i hate how it's smaller than my palm but it's so fattening) before heading upstairs. i read some of your lovely posts and decided to go for a jog. now i'm a bit dizzy but i feel refreshed, especially after my private dance party in my room in my undies:)

so i guess that would be 700+(approx)430=1130 calories eaten, but i'm most likely under 1000 now because i've just come back from a 30+ min jog and a crazy dance thing. huzzah for exercise, thinspo and motivation!

i'm not going to eat anything tonight. i promise. i promise. i promise.

so it turns out...

i was sick last night, which partially explains my sour mood (although i have my other reasons). i realize that a lot of the people i know i do not like very much. what can i say? nothing in defense.
je me déteste.

no one likes les bébés pleurnichards! but i am a whiny baby. i really am. i hate being fat, fat, fat fatfatfat. maybe being a whiny baby isn't so bad. but being a whiny baby that does nothing to solve her problem is.

aidez-moi,

coco

suffocation

i cannot breathe.

words escape me and i am insignificant.

i am invisible. you see right through me, right over me, past me.

what do i mean to you? not nearly as much as you mean to me.

dizziness and nausea hits me like an unrelenting storm

you are too cruel, too cruel.

empty

teenage angst fuckin blows.

restart

will attempt to say everything in bits and pieces...

a) sometimes i think my mother derives pleasure from snidely insulting me and slowly driving me insane. i don't think she realizes to what extent. ha ha ha.

b) i've been terrible at keeping control of my weight recently- i need to stop the chocolate, peanut butter and cookies. devilishly evil. (diet buddies, anyone?)

c) my sister just came back from korea. time to have more fun with her than mope about my unrequited lover who is arguably the most beautiful and interesting boy i've ever met.

d) i need to focus more on schoolwork and SATs.

e) that is all for now

x)oxoxo, coco

grief

grief. grief. grief.


you will promise me that you are happy like this.


pain

breathless

the sky is so beautiful it makes me want to jump and lose myself in it forever.



i know i should be studying but for now i just need to stand outside and take this all in.

xoxo



coco

so

the love interest is confusing me. A is the type that you're never sure if he has a special place for you in his heart or if you're just another girl, because he's just a nice, outgoing boy overall. A is super eccentric and funny and maddeningly cute even when he doesn't try to be, while i have to think about how my hair or face looks everytime i see him. A told me today that he "loves" me. but that's just his way of saying goodbye apparently. i don't give out "i love you"s that easily, just like that. it makes it cheap.

i guess my dilemma here is that i can't trust him. i don't know if this attraction is mutual or if it's a one-sided thing. on top of that, A knows i have a crush on him (long story; i'm not usually that forward) and if it's getting to his head i'd rather just not see his face ever again. i have some pride left in me.

and to top it all off, i'm seeing him in approximately 1 1/2 days.

i wonder if i'm just digging my own grave here.

oh envy

i really wish i had red hair.

it's been nice

chicago was a magical three weeks of puppy love, laughs, new friends and first times.

i had a lot of fun and i will definitely treasure my time at the University of Chicago. Leaving for home is bittersweet, but i think it's high time i got back home, readjusted to my old life, and started preparing for the road ahead.

i've got a lot to do in terms of college apps, studying, training for sports and losing weight. one thing i can say with certainty is that i've learned quite a bit about relationships and people in general (having lived for three weeks with my suitemates and students without parental supervision). i'm ready to take on the crappy world that is high school again, and i'm going to make this year amazing.

watch me.