Monday, May 10, 2010

i'm sorry (this is not a good post)

i did it for the first time

i don't know what came over me...this demanding, obsessive urge to purge

but i did

at first it was hard; tears blurred my eyes and i thought nothing was coming up; i was a failure, too stupid to even throw up what i ate

i tried multiple times and i gave up after a while and went into the shower

with the hot water pouring i tried once more

and was shocked to see it come out

i don't want to say anymore; i don't know what to feel except nothing.

i'm scared of myself


  1. *hugs* ok, so you purged once but that doesn't mean you have to do it again. try only eating safe foods for a wee while, ones you don't feel the need to purge. then move back to "normal" foods if you want. it is scary, you feel forced to imagine what else you are capable of. but the answer to that is nothing you don't want to be capable of. take care, i really think my house needs a shower, purging in a bath is just not the same hehe :S xo

  2. Oh no :( Coco! I am so so so sorry to hear this and can relate so much more than you know. I've purged for seven years. It's an awful cycle which makes a person feel even worse about themselves. Drop me your email, if you'd like and you can email me anytime you feel the need to talk!