my loves

hellooo fellow bloggers (and/or readers) :)

i just wanted to give you wonderful ladies an update of how i'm doing, because nothing else really has been going on that's particularly inspiring..

so. this morning i weighed 118.7 lbs. that's a bmi of 21.0.

still not where i want to be, at all. but i gained so much weight since the summer and at least i'm losing it, even if it's slowly.

i can't believe i was once 108 lbs. really, i don't understand how i let myself go so easily.

but i will keep going, and i will stop eating so much and i will be lose fat by the end of this month.

i can. and i will.

xoxo,

coco

last night is really kind of in pieces, like shards of light at certain times of the day

it was cold. a light drizzle

with two friends, lovely lovely friends

we blazed and smoked and watched the glittering city lights on top of the hill as the night slowly crept away

i remember being rather frustrated at my inability to be composed and collected

then i realized i wasn't the only one

i also remember being able to see quite clearly despite the dark and being rather startled by how close charles was sitting next to me

but in a pleasant sort of confused way

....it was a good night. i woke up smiling.

i still be lady daydream

i've succeeded in pushing away my two best friends (out of paranoia)

succeeded in pushing away a potential lover (for fear of heartbreak and later rejection)

succeeded in feeling all the more worthless because of it all.

my only solace now lies in losing all my fat and becoming beautiful.

please, please, please.

you're all i have left.

gobble gobble, not

thanksgiving weekend.

food, food, plates and plates of utter horror.

i have thursday, friday, saturday and sunday until school begins again and december is here.

i'm going to do a fast. for all those days.

well, thursday i have to go to my cousins' to eat, so i will eat ONE meal there.

i'll try to cut up my food and look busy, and not eat until i'm full.

wish me luck. let's see how much weight i can lose during these four days.

ubiquitous queens

queens. they are everywhere.

whether they are in school

in church

in the studio

in blogger

queens feel the need to dominate, to spread their oiled feathers everywhere.

let me just clarify one thing.

all you faux queens, wake up and look around you.

no one's there.

internally bleeding

but there's no life in my eyes

it's like i'm hooked up to a respirator

waitin to die

hooked up to the fuckin chair

waitin to fry

-immortal technique

struggling

i am pushing everyone away.

i am pushing everyone away.

i am pushing everyone away.

but i need someone.

so

so

so

so

much.

------------------------

birdie you are my guardian angel

hello earthlings.

so lately i've been in a funk. you might have noticed. you might've not.

anyhow, i'm slowly getting better, i think. i can tolerate not eating at night, and as of late i haven't been major binging. been going to the gym or fencing every day, and if i keep this up until the end of this month i might actually see some changes.

a lot has been floating in my mind lately. actually, a lot of nothing. sometimes i feel depressed. and many times all i want to do is sleep, listen to music, or both.

i will try....to fast.... at home.

basically not eat when i get home.

perhaps not an outright fast, but a juice/tea fast?

that would definitely be under 1000kcal then. trouble is getting that past my mom. but i'll try. i really will.

i think that is a good plan. the thing is, i want to try a little tofu and a small salad, but it never stops there. i always binge afterwards. so i think this will at least help me lose the five pounds i need to lose.

once i lose five pounds it won't be that hard going lower.

...down to 118...

then down to 115....

..then down to 112...

...110...

....108...

...104....

happiness...

shadow waves wash over me

s




she wants to sleep in a city that never wakes up, blinded by nostalgia

again

i keep telling myself the diet starts today.
but i ALWAYS FAIL. always.

i was doing great today until i got home, and ate, and ate, and fucking ate.

when will this torture ever end?

sigh. i can't let myself admit defeat, though. that would mean death.

i will start again tomorrow.

i will tell you girls how it goes.

stomach bug

ugh.

i threw up today. not on purpose this time, though.

didn't eat until 1 pm. then everything went downhill.

finding it hard to stick to my diet.

dunno why. didn't used to be this hard.

maybe i'm slipping out of my eating disorder.

maybe i'm finally becoming normal.

except that's the last thing i fucking want to be.

THE NOVEMBER DIET

Breakfast: one apple or one banana

*small snack* NO SCHOOL FOOD- power bars...?
-tea time-
Lunch: apples/vegetables

-tea time-
Dinner: must be vegan
tofu, vegetables, soup or fruit.

Forbiddables: Cheese
Milk
Chocolate (excluding hot cocoa)
Pastries/cake
Ramen
Chips
Rice (can't control myself)

Substitutes: Vegan cheese
Fake Meats
Tofu
Hummus
Pita bread
Whole wheat pancakes (small ones!!)
soymilk
Yams

i've slumped again.

yet again, i've lost all sense of motivation. my diet has stopped and i am eating so much lately it's terrifying me.


must get back on track.

november is supposed to be the LOSE FIVE POUNDS MONTH

WHY THE HELL AM I STILL AT 120 LBS THIS IS A DISGRACE


okay. FIVE FUCKING POUNDS. I CAN DO IT.

my muscles are sore from running and fencing but i'm still huge and my stomach, thighs, arms and neck are bulging with FAT.

must. make. a plan. one will come up very soon.

xoxo,
your ever determined friend coco

never enough

for the longest time i've felt trapped. high school is nothing but a big test; a precise rat race to success. so naturally college seemed like the perfect escape plan- escape from my fake friends, my nagging and critical parents, my old habits.

except now i'm not so sure that life gets easier. this worries me because it's as if i'll never really be fully happy. fully content and satisfied and proud of my achievements and life.

will i EVER feel confident? not inadequate? beautiful?

ever?

what does it take to feel satisfied? time? love? nonchalance?

or are we doomed..

oh, the miracles of the gym

burnt at least 600 kcal at the gym today.
hurrah.

this kind of motivates me to eat less so i'm actually burning enough to lose fat. i want to lose five actual pounds by the end of november. that means seeing results in my arms, stomach and thighs!


yay me yay me yay me

-------------------

question: how do you burn fat on your arms?

oh God

why the hell am i SO fat. i am such a fat disgusting bitch and i can't bear this terrible embarrassment. SO FAT i'm always the fattest in group pictures, the FATTER friend and the one with the hideous belly, arms and thighs. fat bitch. you don't deserve food. or love.

rant

i like boys. but i also get extremely disgusted and repulsed by them sometimes. whenever a boy/man touches me it makes me cringe and i want to die. and whenever i imagine some boy i know thinking dirty thoughts i want to stab my insides out and jump off a cliff.

is that normal?

california dreamin'

so this homecoming was the last homecoming i'll ever go to. high school's been a bitch, but in the long run pretty alright, for a virtual hell. i think i'll even miss it a little.

my date was sweet. pretty cute, but in the geeky sense. tall, lanky, nice-smelling with a cute personality.

i had fun, and even felt a bit pretty for the night.


wonder how these last few months will pan out before i'm off to college!
-----------------------

also. currently back in love with darjeeling tea :)

trying to replace shit with healthy food, such as tofu in place of frozen meals, fruit pops instead of frozen chocolate...

does anyone know what i can replace rice with? any good substitutes for whenever i feel the need to binge on carbs?

oh and i'm trying to visit the gym as much as i can. today i went for an hour (because i had to babysit my sister and was in a rush) and worked on my thighs.

going to burn off all my fat, lose 5 pounds by the end of november, and be skinny by the end of december, and get a belly piercing by january.

i'm going to do this! i will and i must and it's a neverending desire but i'm going to conquer it. because fat and happy cannot coexist in my reality.

i feel

fat. fat. fat. fat. so. hideously. fat.

what am i going to do with myself.

also my friend bought some weed. going to smoke a shitload next weekend. fuck yeah.

i also did a very naughty thing. which isn't surprising since lately i've done a lot of naughty things.

also now have a copy of Skinny Bitch in my room. wonder if it'll help me. at least i've got the Bitch part down.

my dress is black chiffon, loose and flowy but tight and sequined on the top. straps and quite flimsy. a little too flimsy for my lard ass, buddha stomach and jiggly fucktard arms.

oh fuck me.

HC?

lovelies,

the mother makes me sad as always but i'm alright. i hope she gets better, or something.

in other news,

i got asked to homecoming :)

104

today my mom screamed at me like the fucking psychotic depressed maniac bitch she is, and for ten minutes i sat there in the car trying to understand why things had to come like this. why she has to embarrass herself by storming into public places, screaming and bitching like a crazed patient, and why she has to ruin a perfect day into a day where thoughts of suicide and slow death dominates my shattered mind.

where is the mother i knew and loved? where is she?

i see myself walking in a field, a warm, sunny, grassy field. the sun is high up in the clouds but not bright enough to be white, just warm warm yellow and orange. there is a slight breeze, which carries wafts of honeysuckle, jasmine and yellow roses. i am alone, so alone, by myself. wearing a light white gown made of soft clean cotton, and there is no one there to see me. my hair falls around my shoulders and i keep walking, walking, until i reach the hill under the maple tree. i lay down under the tree and close my eyes, as i go to sleep for eternity.

arms flailing, screaming but no sound

wonder what it will take to finally get back on track.

what about a gym membership? Mom's taking me tomorrow to check out the local gym because i begged her. also made some excuse about pedophiles in the neighborhood..hehe

so hopefully i exercise everyday and eat very little. and by the end of november i want to be thin, at least 5 actual (not water weight) pounds lighter.

meaning slimmer arms, slimmer thighs, flat belly.

i think that's achievable in a month, don't you?

looking for my lifesaving flotation device. hopefully this time i grasp onto the right one.

xoxo, coco