the cycle begins. this time let's make it straight.

GOAL WEIGHT

104 pounds.

okay. starting over. again.

---------------------------------

it hurts when you realize someone you desire like the sun is cold as snow.
i can't imagine why i would want to repeatedly hurt myself in this way for something unattainable.

"Love is like the sun; desire, only flash. desire dazzles, but the sun gives life." -Ruslana Korshunova

if only i could remember this the next time i cry over him.


girl, stay strong. keep your head up high, shoulders back, take a deep breath.
and exhale.

day well spent

i like my bangs, a lot. this is strange because it's rare that i'm ever so satisfied with my hair. also my face looks smaller with hair covering half of it, so there.

if you've lately been confused about who's who, there's S and B, both of which are impossible and also maybe R, who's also impossible. in other words, i don't really have a lover because none of them actually want me as much as i want them.

hm. who wants to take me to homecoming? No one. i guess it's going to be a long night..

le new haircut

goodbye, forehead! :)

strange things are happenin'

hello ladies. operation get over B failed.

ironically as soon as i posted my last post he facebooked me saying something funny. i ignored that. but somehow we ended up chatting and he ended our conversation with "night love<3"

...helplessly vulnerable.

hm.

okay. maybe i need to think this through.

i think i can get over B if i try hard enough, you know, because i'm shallow and a teenager and all.

i guess.

i'm going to follow this plan (feel free to add your own input!) and see if i still like him. if i do,then this is not just any old crush.

1. delete/block him from your aim list.

2. don't text him.

3. talk to other boys (perhaps i'm just lonely for male company. who knows?)

4. focus on school and friends and family

5. lose weight

6. go to your homecoming with another guy (this is a MAYBE...)

7. don't go on his facebook.

that should keep me occupied

platonic?

i think i'm in love with my best friend.

fuck.

house party

a couple of houses away. i don't even know these people but the music is loud and crazy and i just want to go there and drink and fucking lose my mind and lose myself.

lose myself in a big crowd where nothing matters, nothing matters at all.

tragic

oh girls, thanks for letting me know i'm not alone in this, this endless source of pain and self-loathing. it's so paradoxical that i eat without thinking yet food is always on my mind. why? a sick obsession if you ask me.

oh and i always find a way to break down about something, whatever it is. i hate how my psychotic mindset is getting increasingly harder to hide and reign in. the tears and the screams and the blurriness is getting worse and i can't make myself shut up.


my friends are noticing that i'm acting strange and it's killing me because i want to say everything but at the same time say nothing, nothing at all and just disappear.

i feel so alone. maybe if i'm pretty i'll be loved.

lament #12838472952485

dear fatass,

PLEASEEEE PLEASEEEE become pretty. PLEASE. don't eat food and don't get fat and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE look nice in jeans and shirts. PLEASE. you cowwww fuck youuuu!

i really wish i could be skinny. it's like something that's so close yet so far...

is that so wrong? why must this be denied to me, of all things?

so twisted.

we met one day in wet cement
where we glued our eyes shut
and pressed with our fists
and while the trees are shrinking now
they forgot their roots
and sloped in the ground
and while I'm picking out my favorite names
where our future is concerned
in the steady blur of the days
what brought us here, why we try to say
we face back all the way

now the cement's hardened in my chest
a world of wax
scraped in through text
and someone was calling just before I woke up
my broken record spits good and bad luck
and with my broken, pale black eyes
I still see white when the snow falls lightly
in the steady blur of the days
what brought us here, why we try to stay
but we face back all the way

Wet Cement, The Morning Benders

hello

ahh. today is a beautiful, cold day with rain, fog and white haze. something about the heaviness of the air reminds me of something cool and calm, like sleep. or death. i don't have anything important to say. i had approximately 400 kcal today, i think. i like black lace; i'm wearing my mother's black lace shirt right now. it makes me feel pretty, and is my only consolation besides the hope that someday it will look better on a thinner me. yes, a thinner, thin thin thin me.

adieu <3

coco

shh

...in a pathetic crawl with a whimper i return. not with a bang, but a sad, fat whimper.

yeah, i'm disgusting and gross. and stupid. and selfish. but whatever. i want to write this down and i want to do something about this. lately i've been butting heads with my mom 24/7, and i've spent the past week crying everyday after school over my pathetic existence. i've also taken an addiction to walking in the rain and eating ice cubes.

what is becoming of me? who am i? i don't know, i don't know, you don't know...

so judge me. but i'm going to make it through, you'll see. i don't want to hate myself, and i don't want to feel worthless. i want to fight for myself. so i guess i'm back.

and fuck the haters. fuck them all.

indefinite

thank you everyone.

this is really embarrassing and right now i don't deserve to be speaking to anyone... i'll come back when i deserve to.


love you all...

xoxoxo coco

okay

i feel pretty shaken up about what you said, especially because you're important to me.
yes, i suppose it's bad to eat very little. i don't want anyone dying because of my blog. but what happens in my life is what i put down here, and what i say is how i feel. if it's offending, i'm afraid i can't change myself, because this is the last place i have to turn. literally, the last place. i'm really sorry for anyone who felt triggered by this blog who is in recovery or whatnot. but i can't help it. my mentality is that food is bad, and i can't have people telling me to change that even here. i really just can't deal with that because i have nowhere else to turn. please just don't read what i say from now on then, even if i like you. because i just can't change this aspect of me.

coco

my loves

i love you all so much, you are SO KIND! :)

a million trillion hearts for you girls <3

i really feel so much better and happier whenever i see your encouraging comments; even if i'm having a bad day (which i did) seeing such kind lovely words brings my spirits up quite a lot.

and....

i did keep my promise :)
i had NO FOOD today:) nothing. not even a single drop of juice, nothing with calories.

i'm drinking green tea, which has no calories.

still a bit traumatized from yesterday (maybe i'll save it for another post), but nothing is in my stomach right now and i feel great.

i also went fencing today, so i burned some calories through exercise too!

i REALLY, sincerely hope that all of you beautiful kind souls had a great day. and we will keep going until we reach the skinny we want to be.

xoxoxoxooxoxo,
coco<3

screw up

sorry matilda.helen. and everyone else who was watching me progress. today my dad made me dinner and he tried so hard and i thought it would break his heart if i just left the plate untouched. i had salmon, beans, and vegetables. and now i'm eating some cereal.

yeah, once i start, it's a destructive path down.

but on the plus side, i won't eat tomorrow; i'll drink very little juice and go fencing to burn more calories.

i'm sorry.

yours truly,

fatty

bitter

why is it that love seems to fade after a while? how can two people love each other with the most pure, unconditional commitment and after a few years despise each other? was it lust, not love, then? or does love not exist...

my parents make me never ever want to marry. it used to make me cry when they argued, but now i'm just numb. numb and full of cold hatred for my mother, who uses me as her stress reliever to gossip about my father and complain about him to me. it's not fair. just because i'm her daughter i don't see why i must hear this about my father whom i love. it makes me so angry and hurt that my mother doesn't take my feelings into consideration. she has no idea how fucked up all this bickering and hatred has made me.

i can't wait to get into college. call me ungrateful, selfish, whatever. my mom does more harm to me than good, and i to her. i can't stay here for long.

i'm going to go far, far away, away from california and the smog and the heat and this family that is sparkling on the outside but rotten on the inside. i'm going to away from the hatred and the bitterness and the jealousy and mocking. i'll go some place beautiful and mend my wounds there, and start over. become a better person. and wait until my sister is old enough, and we'll travel the world together.

i can't love my mother because she hates her life. she hates her husband, she hates me. she longs for her past beauty, intelligence and freedom. i understand that. but that doesn't make me want to love her.

i wish i could see her reaction if i died. i wonder how that face would contort. perhaps into a smile.

day one is done

so today i had black sesame soymilk for breakfast (130 kcal), diet snapple raspberry tea for lunch (0 kcal), one more carton of soymilk (130 kcal) and two cups of freshly juiced carrot juice (?). not sure how much that adds up to since the carrot juice is iffy, but a good sign is that i'm hungry, haha. i craved sushi and chocolate cake today. good thing i didn't cave in. the picture below is a big motivation. seriously. and thanks to you girls who thought i looked okay. i don't agree with you, but still, it was nice and i thank you for that. i also went fencing today which means i burned calories...hehe

still really repulsed by my flabby stomach, horrendous cellulite-encased thighs, wobbly arms and fatty neck. but i will change my body. i will. i must.

xoxo, coco

10/11/10

feel free to laugh, puke, cringe, scream. i am disgusted but this is my motivation. i will become my own reverse-thinspo.

goodbye, fat! thin is on her way :)

this is not a romance

i'm in love with S. so very much. i know it's foolish and he has a gorgeous college girlfriend in New York but i like him. so much. when he put his arm around me i stuttered and blushed; when he smiled at me last week my heart stopped beating. i'm not in love though, because it won't work out. my hands get clammy and my mind goes blank; when he laughs and tells me to slow down, i'm always rushing, it's okay to relax...i can't resist him.

he sent me this song. we talk mostly about music and politics. i talk a lot to fill the space for fear he'll find me boring. i want to erase him from my heart but i can't stop thinking of eating pancakes with him at 1 am, smoking weed with him on the grass, and holding his hand while we walked through the crowds.

it's just wishful thinking. not a romance.

so it begins.

day one was decent, but i drank a bit too many juices to call it a "fast".

starting monday i'm going fencing again :) which means calorie burning goodness. hehe!

here's my plan (and i'd love to read everyone else's!):

breakfast: carrot juice, apple juice, or soymilk

snack: soymilk

lunch: orange juice, fruit juice

dinner: juice...?

i can't function on just water. in an ideal world i would drink water and float away, but unfortunately i am 17 years old, writing my college apps and essays, attending school and fencing. i can't afford to faint, because i'll lose everything.

but instead i make a compromise: natural, homemade juice a couple times a day and lots of exercise. i will lose weight, and i'll do it well.

we can do this.
xoxo, coco

it's easy when it hurts

i know i come off to some people as aloof, standoffish, cold hearted. but when my best friend no longer seems to care about me much, when he seems to be rather annoyed at me than happy to talk to me, it just about breaks my heart. it feels terrible to be rejected by someone you really really love spending time with and talking to. things just aren't the same. and i can't make myself forget him but at the same time it's killing me to think about him any longer. i don't usually get this upset with people- in fact, i pride myself in not letting myself get hurt easily. but with my best friend i feel as if something very precious has been snatched away, as if something pure has been tainted with ugliness and bitter blackredhate.

what happened? what went wrong?

i feel so alone.

I'M ALIVE

8

SAT's are over. YES!!!!!!!!

THE OCTOBER FAST BEGINS AS OF TOMORROW!!! MATILDA!!! (i am screaming inside of excitement :)

also, hello io :)

the other beautiful ladies that wanted to join matilda and i on our fast, jump on board!


cannot. fucking. wait. to be...pretty.

plan

today i will:

-study for the SAT
-finish my math hw
-do some government homework

cross my fingers!

hopefully i can squeeze in there a walk, and maybe a light meal so i don't binge at night. i really don't want to eat though, but i don't want to set myself up for disaster...

i love you girls. will post up some niceties later :)

grocery shopping at night

vegetarian lean cuisine, some low fat greek yogurt. should taste yucky and sour but i'll make myself like it. no more cookies/bread/pastries for me. what a naughty fat girl i've been!

no eating past 7, nearly no snacking between meals. no meal should go over 350 calories.

i also don't drink milk anymore, even though it's nutritious. can't afford the calories, you see. unless i drink it by itself and let that subsist as my meal. except i hate plain milk.

wearing a short bohemian dress, except i can't show it to you because my arms and legs are too fat.

but perhaps in the (near?) future.

love love love

fail

utter, utter fail.

can you believe that i actually talked myself (yes, i actually did talk to myself) into eating late at night? i told myself,"what's the use. you're not getting prettier and no one likes you anyway" and i ate. i just ate even though i felt a horrible sinking feeling. and afterwards i sat down and laughed at myself, and took a shower. in the shower, as the hot water rolled off my fat, lumpy body i felt a sickening disgust forming within me. i heard a voice hiss at me, dripping with hatred. "you fat, fat, pathetic cow," it said. i could not help myself- i was beyond tears and i wanted to die. growing desperate i plunged my fingers down my throat and purged, my disgust growing bigger as more of the shit came out. it was so disgusting, so very very sick and pathetic. i hate myself and i don't know what will ever become of this fat, pathetic girl.

hm...

it's been quite a day- i started off wonderfully productive by doing lots of physiology reading and having nothing but iced tea and carrot juice

..and then i went to SAT prep and felt a bit discouraged about my scores, so i stopped feeling wonderful.

and i ate. and ate. and ate. and i don't know...i just..

i don't know.. i can't weigh myself again today. not today.

...i was doing so well too...

morning chill

i love foggy mornings. they make me want to swim in bliss and drink ice cold tea and dance around :)

today is my sister's birthday! and i'm down on the scale...(wait for it) five pounds lighter !!!

it's kinda weird, though, because i don't feel five pounds skinnier. so hopefully if i eat VERY little today and drink lots of tea and coffee i can keep my weight by the end of the day!

so far i've taken a LONG shower, sat down and listened to some BEACH HOUSE (amazing band, check it out loves:) and.. today's my little sister's birthday party so i'll be making balloons and such.

no food yet! let's see how well i can do today:)

adieu<3

numero uno

hello mes chéris

thought i'd make you smile with a nice song. outside my window the white roses look so fresh and plush against the deep emerald of the grass, so lovely...

la la la :)

the 9-day plan

breakfast: black beans

lunch: fruits

dinner: lean cuisine!

1-2 small snacks allowed: 1 slice of bread & some nuts / yogurt

and nothing else! it's only until October 9th, the day of my SAT. so i feel good, not bloated, focused, healthy. i really have no problem with this, if i have a motivating factor. honestly most of the times i fail in dieting is because i feel like nobody cares and i lose motivation. but October is a new month! we can do this, Matilda! :)

i think i can definitely accomplish this because my mom packs me fruit for lunch, some nuts & a slice of bread for my snack (haha how convenient, no?) and i always have black beans for breakfast (not tasty, but i can deal with it). the only moderately hard part might be after school when i have dinner, but i'm thinking if i can stick to lean cuisine and maybe a small yogurt afterwards, i won't be tempted to binge.

* one positive thing i have accomplished this week: i've taken a strong liking for green tea again! i used to love tea but i stopped drinking it for some reason. now that it's becoming winter it's the perfect drink! :)

*one thing i hope to resist: eating past 7, eating cookies/chocolate- it's difficult because i have a very strong craving for sweets, even more than some people crave french fries or mashed potatoes or whatever else people crave.

*one thing i look forward to: oh, i want to save this for my next post!!:) october is going to be AMAZING after my SAT date:) so many things i want to do!

xoxo, coco

p.s. i know i'm posting quite a lot but i just can't keep this all to myself:) plus, i like making plans. so here it is. i promise to follow it!