summer time

this summer weather is really stifling. i wonder how everyone's doing?
hope you girls are feeling beautiful latelyy

xoxo coco

isolation

so i've been away from my laptop for a week now, visiting relatives in the middle of nowhere (desert land...)
and finally i come home, weary and eager to catch up on romantic foreign dramas and movies and let out everything here...
when my mom tells me that someone has vandalized my house for the SECOND time. somebody apparently hates me. and i think i know who it is.
the first time, my front lawn was strewn with toilet paper, with breadcrumbs all over the doorstep. the second time, two days ago, my lawn was littered with plastic forks with a letter taped to the front door saying "congrats on fucking graduating"

..okay. i admit, i can be cold to people sometimes. i don't respond to random texts from seedy guys, and i can be withdrawn at times.

but i'm not sorry for working my ass off to get into a prestigious university, and i'm not sorry for not being a bubbly cheerleader who's happy enough to not give a damn about her insecurities.
so there.

haters can continue vandalizing my house and calling me a snob, hard to get, tease, whatever.

no one knows me.

not eating dinner tonight. a week's worth of my aunt's cooking can't be good for my body.

if i'm going to have haters, might as well love myself. by the end of summer i want to be skinnier than i ever was before, and stay that way.

i'm eager to meet the new and improved coco.

xoxo

fast

how does one fast when the day is so slow..?

watch foreign dramas

take a long walk

sleep

...

scared

frightened to eat anything
i don't know what to eat
but i'm hungry

i don't want to eat but

eventually i have to, right?

i'm scared

i'm losing weight...

this is weird.. o__o

i don't want to go back, ever, to that weight again...

care about yourself a little more, dear

so i felt like shit as of late
all i could do was eat and party, no sleep no exercise no nothing.

but i have something to hope for: the university of my dreams, and the boy who'll be attending with me this fall :)

i can do it! so far my skin has been clearing up, which is great. i stopped exercising and eating healthy, but that will have to change.

in fact, i am going to go grocery shopping today, after i go for a jog.

i don't care if it's 100 degrees out. time to slap on some sunscreen and go running daily.

coco you will do this. i want to be 115 lbs by the end of this month. confidence and hope is key. i want i want i need i need i can i can i will!!!!!

i promise this time. PROMISE.

coco.

pierced my cartilage (hurt like a bitch)

a new boy asked me for my number :)

skin's clearing up

gots to exercise daily :)

does anyone want to be text buddies?
i'm willing to try anything ..

forever

nothing lasts forever.

but i'm going to enjoy life, love, people, everything

while it does.


because i want my happy ending.

night cravings

list of things i crave at night:

-ferrero rocher chocolate
-pizza
-spaghettini with fresh tomatoes and olive oil
-sushi
-french fries


....this. is. why. i. am. fat.

all in good time

i have to keep up my progress; that way it actually becomes progress!
-day two of vitamins (they taste kind of bad)
-jogging/walking (i got a lot of glances from cars...creepy and not that flattering considering i have thunder thighs)
-haven't ended this day yet but i will take a nice hot shower before i sleep!

:)

routine

every day i will make sure i

-shower before i sleep
-take my pills
-jog


every.single.day. until college starts...

:)

i said

"shut the fuck up" under my breath

and my mom heard me.

i don't feel sorry though.


that is bad. i think.

but screaming and degrading and nagging is also bad, isn't it?

i don't know; i just want to get away and disappear...

oh, happy day!

my mum just made me a blueberry smoothie and gave me a small bowl of blueberries :)

that was my first meal of the day and it's 5:03 pm

hehe

one step at a time ladies :)

xoxo, coco


p.s. helen, i thought of you when i posted that song :)

dedicated to you

for every girl here who wants to be understood

i hate food

stop eating
stop eating

this week is torture.

why does socializing always end up in massive amounts of food?

do people normally eat like this?

because i can feel myself getting fatter and fatter and i do not enjoy this one bit.

fuck

passion, not love

love me too, can't you see

because i'm trying so hard to move on
and i will be able to one day, it's only logical


...but you're my baby, and i wish we didn't have to end this.


how does it feel
when i hold somebody else's hand
when i laugh with another boy
when i talk on the phone with another soul?


...i don't want it to be anyone else but you

but you don't see that.

and unless you want me more than this, i will never show you.


until next time, adieu.
perhaps we will cross paths once more, and maybe then we'll be right for each other, finally.

milestones

everything is easier when you've come really far and you feel good about yourself..

so let's try to be positive and move forward.

first of all i'd like to thank you girls, all of you, so much... for just being there for me and leaving encouraging words. i know we're all dealing with some sort of obstacle, and we're going to make it through, no matter how long it takes.

so i guess the positive part of this post is that : i have all summer to improve my body, my health, my habits, everything!

this week's goals:
-clear up skin
-lose 3-5 lbs

ways to achieve these goals:
-check my blog every day to remind myself of my goals
-jog every morning/at least 1 hour of exercise daily (i actually prefer jogging at around 5pm because i don't like the intensity of sunlight...but isn't morning healthier?)
-drink water and tea
-make myself smoothies
-sleep early (or at least earlier..)
-

trust no one

not even yourself.


i'm starting again, starting over

i'm so tired of starting over
so sick of trying and trying and not trying and forgetting and remembering and trying again and again and again

but for what purpose?

to what am i running towards, so desperately?

i need a lover.

mess

five days of drinking, eating, smoking

i am a mess.

back to work now.

i think i just need to tell myself not to eat as often as i possibly can.

when will i ever learn
that no one's going to love me for my insides

renewal

i am no longer dating the boy.
he told me sweet nothings and made my heart beat abnormally fast
made me smile and smile and smile
made me happy.
made me feel pretty.

but he lied, he denied everything, and he didn't want to be "tied down".


this morning i felt a heaviness in my heart. a hole the size of a crater in my chest. i wondered how i could fix this, tried desperately to erase the feeling of terrible nothingness in my being. i forced myself to eat because i literally felt like collapsing, but i couldn't sleep.

i then proceeded to feel a little better after watching some youtube videos (self help videos, british reality videos, make up tutorials...) and eating some food.

i went on a long run today, and at this rate if i keep running daily i'm going to lose weight :) i'm already slimmer now and i can see it in my collarbones. hopefully i drop all this weight by the end of summer!

any suggestions for healthy eating, things to do on my free time, beauty tips.. ?

much love,
coco

my stats

5'3
17 going on 18 (in a few months)
highest weight: 126 lbs
current weight: 122 lbs
lowest weight: 108 lbs

short term goals: -go down to at least 121 by tonight
- at least 120 by thursday
- 118/119 by friday

long term goals: 110 solid weight by the end of summer

strengths: enjoys exercise
vegetarian

weaknesses: likes carbs
tends to eat at night
can't sleep early due to studies (this will change soon after i graduate!)


weight loss tips of the week:

*drink fluids, tea, and don't eat much in the morning (but eat something to boost your metabolism); it will motivate you to "keep your record clean" throughout the day

*study in a cafe so you're conscious of others and you don't stuff yourself silly


my motivations: -seeing him this week
-seeing my clavicles protrude even more
-seeing my shoulder bones
-having narrower thighs
-getting a flat tummy

all of that is underway..! i can do this... and it'll feel absolutely wonderful when it happens! to motivate myself further, starting from next month i might post up progress pictures. maybe.

coco

georgia on my mind

hello lovelies,

for the past two days my stomach has been quite uneasy due to stress and whatnot, but the bright side is that i lost some weight! i want to lose a few more pounds before i meet a special somebody this friday, so i'm going to try not to eat much today.

perhaps i shall do a liquid fast? i had a bowl of rice milk and one calcium vitamin for breakfast.

i think i'll have some soup or something at around 2pm or 3pm, then have some other liquid at around 5 for dinner. then hopefully i can last through studying for finals with lots and lots of coffee and tea!

wish me luck beautiful girls <3

coco

p.s. i've missed you a lot <3

if pandas and other vegetarian animals eat stuff like bamboo shoots and leaves

...why are they so fat?


this is proof that i need exercise daily. lots of it. not just dieting.

today

i had food,

but not to the point where i'm exploding and not many carbs. going to go to the gym today for as long as i want and maybe take a walk around my neighborhood.

i am determined to go down the scales, pound by pound.

coco :)

fail

i ate so much....

i worked out today but still. i ate so much.


....i still have to lose a pound a day....

i'm going to shower, work on my essay, and go running at midnight if i have to.

i have to...

-smoothie
-pb &j sandwich
-pieces of apple
-panda express
-some chocolate almonds
stopped eating: around 5 pm

going to work out, work on my english paper, and sleep before 1,hopefully.

let's do thisss.

i ate terribly but i'm going to start working out daily as of today, stop eating junk food and start winning no matter what..

i've been thinking lately,
and i think i can do this. i know i can do this. i've been thin before, and i can be thin now.

i can do this.

just watch me, all of you.

i'm going to drop 10 lbs by the end of this month.

coco

to jog

or do my english paper..?

felt pretty during the dance
looked terrible in the pictures
got drunk
realized some friends couldn't care less about me
felt sick when my date held me close

overall it was an experience. i'm just glad it's over.

from an outside perspective i probably seemed happy and excited.

but it's often that way, you know?

anyways, i like sleep because you don't eat during that period and you feel just fine not doing so. will try to eat a minimal amount today and go for a jog

good day beautiful girls.

coco

promenade

going to the prom in a few hours.
wearing a lovely chiffon black dress with an open back and side cuts.
going to feel fat, especially during the pictures.
but i'm going to try to feel pretty, just for tonight.



p.s. Sofia, thanks for your comment. stuff like that never fails to lift up my spirits :)

enemy numero one: chocolate

tried to drink mostly liquids today
but i ended up eating solid food and some chocolate...

on the plus side i didn't eat until i felt like exploding (which is often the sad case) and it's only 5:31 pm meaning if i dont eat anything for the rest of the day i can still be fine.


here's to a better tomorrow!

suggestions?

i'm embarking on a liquid fast for the whole week. i don't want to faint, or lose so much energy that i'm unable to go about my regular schedule (study, exercise, socialize).
suggestions?
what drinks should i stick with throughout my fast? i know i should take a lot of vitamins...

by the way i have a lot of testing this week, as well as prom the following weekend...

this won't do.

i've moved to tumblr with tons of friends from school following me, but this cannot do. i can't ignore the girl inside, whispering, begging me to stop fooling myself any longer.

i cannot hide from myself. her, me.

i'm back, and this time i think it's for good.

i'm celebrating my return with a week-long liquid fast.

sorry for hiding for so long, lovelies. i'm here to stay.

xoxo,
coco

hello again...

i am struggling...
with prom coming up (i got asked in a very cute way :), summer vacation coming soon, and more reasons to not cover myself in layers and layers of cloth, i'm terrified.

i'm disgusting. i can feel the fat on my face, arms, legs, belly and neck. i just hate all of this and i want to step out of my own skin...or change it.

i must, must, must change. i really must. and i'll do whatever it takes to become thin by the end of this month.

bear with me, lovelies. i'm trying yet another time.

coco

i wish

that i could be pretty...
inside and out..

safe foods

*to be added to
[for a low in simple carb, high fat & protein diet]

-almonds
-salmon
-tuna
-avocado
-apples (digests slowly in stomach)
-peppers
-coffee
-milk
-tofu

*must must start eating more salads!! this is especially hard for me but i absolutely must!!!

a little bit about me

i was reading all of your beautiful blogs (believe me, i still do..) and i came across Athena's lovely blog..and was very much pleasantly surprised to see that i was given a Versatile Blogger Award! :) it was much too sweet to pass on, so i decided to take up the challenge and do a little about moi ..

1. I'm terribly in love with a boy whose feelings are as murky and changing as the sea
2. I like watching foreign films and reading the subtitles and listening to the words
3. I like mangoes and strawberries
4. My favorite colour is blue, and i like to spell colour this way.
5. I love flowy dresses but I like wearing jeans whenever I can
6. I've never been kissed on the lips
7. I want to find my soulmate

i'd like to hear from anyone who reads this :) learning more about you beautiful girls is always a wonderful gift <3

don't trip so soon

i have to keep going.
i'm doing well. losing weight. my mom noticed today.

i have to keep going. no more carbs, absolutely no faltering.
salads, soups, water, fruit fruit fruit.

keep going coco. keep doing this.

i must stay strong. keep going until april.

115, here i come.

perfection

so unattainable

but i find myself

wanting it all the more

just an update...

so far my plan of not eating carbs is going along quite well. i ate some white rice today but it was because there was nothing else and i wasn't at home... but i won't do it again. i'm thinking i'll stick to this diet and continue it through the month of april. in the meantime i can make some adjustments to my diet, such as cutting out sweets and sugars and exercising more.

i've heard eating carbs increases insulin production, thereby storing fat. do you girls know if there's any food that decreases insulin/ increases metabolism? any help would be great!

love,
coco

no carb march

i'm not eating any carbs for this month.
meaning no breads, pasta, rice, cereal, pastries, etc.

i should really try to stay off of chocolate, whipped cream and cheese as well. those are my three junk foods at the moment..yuck.

going to go for a run and go to sports practice soon! today my mom said i looked as though i lost some weight, but i won't believe it until i can see it with my own eyes...and on the scale.

adieu,
coco

...

last night i was pinching my fat and this morning i woke up
with both of my arms purple and blotched
....

it's an obsession.

back on track (no.2)

again, i begin.
but this time it's march, and march is a new month. i like it when opportunities for fresh starts come around.

my friend wants to go on a juice fast with me. which is amusing because neither of us can admit to each other that we have eating disorders...we just really really want to become thin. hah.

so i'm going to do that, for five days. tempted to eat because my mum bought a lot of vegetarian patties, meatballs, and salads... but we'll put that off until next week because this is more important.

bought a book, doestoevsky's the brothers karamazov. i don't eat while reading a novel i really like, so this will be good for me.

hopefully i spend more time watching films, reading, studying and exercising rather than stuffing my mouth with food.

hopefully i see some good results. will keep you updated soon, loves!

love youuu,
coco

lovelies..

sorry i've been away for so long; i know i've been neglecting my blog and those following me...

a lot of things have been confusing me lately; most of my chaos can be attributed to this boy who has been toying with me, teasing me and using me. it's been rough trying to balance grades, friends and family and still manage to avoid getting hurt by him.

i don't know what it is about boys, but they are really starting to scare me now. i'm becoming warier than ever and i don't know if i can ever trust someone completely ever again.

laurent

everything is a blur. i cannot explain just yet, because of the state of my mind.

but i will come back,
adieu,i love you

coco

hungry

for love

fasting

fasting.fasting.fasting.

friday fast
saturday liquid fast (water, coffee, tea, juice)
sunday liquid fast (water, coffee, tea, juice, soup?)
monday restricted diet (1 actual small meal, liquids)

...we'll see where i go from here.


fasting. fasting. fasting.

the only solid things i will be consuming during my liquid fasts will be vitamins. i really need to start taking those.

important dates

This Friday, banquet

Feb 19-20th, conference

Next Tuesday, lunch with a friend (;

Feb. 24th, concert

I've got to look my best! So from now until Tuesday, I'm going to have to do at least an hour of exercise daily, and seriously control what I eat and how much.

Again, I have to limit myself to 3-4 small meals a day, and before 6pm. I can do this!!!

wish me luck,
coco

mmm

so what exactly constitutes "mixed feelings"?

and an interesting conversation between my mother and me whilst driving home from school:

me: "high school relationships are meaningless."

mom: "there is something innocent about them though; not much calculation if you compare it to adulthood. In high school you just like someone because you do."

me: "still. they mean nothing."

mom: "no relationship means nothing. even if the magnitude of meaning differs, every relationship means something."



hmm.

screwed up

eating out with friends resulted in disaster.
i ate noodles and three pieces of chocolate.
i also came home and ate some more; i don't even remember what.
my mother made dinner so i had some of that too.

fuck. i was doing so well.

....i'm going to exercise for an hour outside; just by running and jumping in the dark with my headphones on. afterwards a nice shower and i should be fine, as long as i stay up late.

i'll update back in an hour or so.

------------------------------------

i haven't showered yet, but i ran/jogged/jumped/danced outside.
i still feel fat.
i still hate my body
i still can't stand myself.

beautiful mind

There are so many thoughts that flit through my mind every second of the day- many times I want to say something but I can't because I've got five other thoughts zipping through the halls of my brain, like tiny hot gas molecules bumping into each other and crashing into the walls.

Sometimes I feel it would be nice to just slow down. By slowing down I mean thinking deeply about just a few thoughts in my mind, and letting those thoughts float about gently in my brain instead of whizzing through.

Perhaps that way I could reach better conclusions and solutions about dilemmas I face. Truly think before I open my mouth or do something.

But then again the beauty of spontaneity could get lost in the midst of my logic.


It is a bright Sunday morning. I hear the sound of my parents talking in the bathroom, birds chirping and the babbling of water flowing out of the sink. With each pause of my clicking fingers, the silence fills me up like water pouring into a cup- deep, cool, smooth, calm.

to thine own self be true

"My honor'd lord, you know right well you did;
And, with them, words of so sweet breath compos'd
As made the things more rich: their perfume lost,
Take these again; for to the noble mind
Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind."

-Ophelia, Hamlet, Prince of Denmark

oh sweet Ophelia, how my heart aches with yours.
how it aches..

sont des mots qui vont tres bien ensemble

i love you all so much... i reread your comments over and over again because they make me smile :)

so right now school starts late, and i had some soup and a tangerine for a late breakfast/lunch. listening to The Beatles (Michelle, my favorite song as of late) as the sunlight bathes me gently in its soft embrace.

in other news..
i've decided to cut carbs from my diet. which means no rice, bread, noodles, or chips...

tres difficil! but i will manage, i know i will :) sometimes rules are good, rules are beneficial.

yesterday i spent the afternoon dancing on my balcony, swirling and twirling and smiling because the sun was shining and the clouds were pink. walked my two silly dogs to the park with my little sister, sunk my feet in the sand as i watched tall boys play football and skateboard.

my heart is lonely sometimes, but i am preparing myself for my true love...wherever you are.

a hundred kisses and tulips,

coco

severe mercy

don't be lonely, he tells me.
don't be scared. you're not lost. i'm here for you. i was always here for you.

he wipes my tears and holds me close.

i love you. i love you. i love you.

i will never leave you, even if the world threatens to fall apart. even if there is no one else left to turn to, i am here.

my heart aches and aches and i want to believe him, but i feel the doubt and hurt of my years holding me back. but little by little i am letting him into my heart.

one day, i'll believe truly that i am loved. and i will welcome it with tears of joy.

take care of my heart

an announcement

i'll be honest. ever since i lost the boy, i have been eating as much as i wanted, and frankly more than i wanted to. just for the hell of it. because i felt ugly and pathetic and why try to become beautiful when no one loves you? well that mentality destroyed me and i have officially decided to return to my old dedication and lifestyle. i'm constantly confused as to what eating pattern i should follow, as different magazines and websites give different advice. so i'll just stick to what i'm familiar with.

it begins again. my goal weight: 110 lbs. this is really, really, really embarrassing, but i'll just say it. for good measure let's just say i'm 125 lbs. so...15 lbs to lose. i'm not going to force myself to achieve this in just a few weeks, but i'm hoping this will be a permanent change.

my weight loss will be due to a combination of lots of fasting, minimal meals, PLENTY of exercise and hopefully lots more sleep. i really wish i had a nutritionist.

Meal Plan

1. breakfast, lunch and dinner. 3 meals a day. each at the same times of day.
2. breakfast kcal> lunch kcal> dinner kcal. going to try to eat less and less as the day progresses. this is completely opposite of how i usually eat, but logic tells me this is better.
3. eat HEALTHY food. since i'm vegetarian this means lots of tofu, veggies, nuts and fruit. stay away from processed junk, carbs and any calorie-filled liquid.
4. when hungry, drink tea/coffee, chew gum, do crunches, anything BUT eat. no eating at night; there is NO EXCUSE.
5. any failure must be punished the next day with a fast. for the whole day.

Exercise Plan

1. lift weights and do crunches everyday. even if you can't make it to the gym.
2. go to the gym more than twice a week. Ideally everyday, but if not then 4x a week is a good minimum.
3. Jog frequently with your ipod.
4. Go swimming.

Beauty Plan

1. sleep at least 6 hours each day. studying is an exception but try to cut down on useless internet surfing.
2. make sure you wash carefully before bed each night so your skin looks good.
3. Once a week try a face mask/ hot towel treatment.
4. buy a spf-infused face lotion (i'm almost positive sephora or some beauty shop has it)
5. dress nicely. even if it's a monday morning and you hate school.
6. take care of your long locks! use conditioner or at least put on some hair oil (at the tips) to give it volume and shine.



this will pay off. i know it. girls, if any of you wish to join me, i welcome you with arms WIDE OPEN!! this is really difficult and ambitious of me but i have decided to take the challenge and this will be so much more enjoyable if i have a partner :)

coco

that girl

she likes the smell and texture of new books
she cries in her room at night watching films
she listens to music and lets her heart ache freely
she dreams of flying over fields of golden yellow
she tries to hold her head up high
she can't help but wear her heart on her sleeve
she tries to eat as little as possible

i know that girl very well. she is an inextricable part of me. she is the girl that i love and hate, the girl i wish to escape and keep forever.

i know not who i am, or where i am going.

all i know is what i feel right now, at this very moment.
i want to let go yet i want to hold on forever.

i'm losing control...

barcelona- please don't go

my lovely girls,

the last post might have seemed as if i had good news. i suppose in a way, in the long run, it is good for me.

i decided i could not keep talking to a boy i fell madly for over the winter break. his priorities and mine were different, and what he wanted was not a lover but a girl. just one to have around for the winter break until he went back to university.

sounds like a sad story, and i shed a few tears myself. but i'm okay now, and i feel a sad sort of happy, because i know it was for the best.

watched An Education yesterday. it's a lovely movie, and i think a lot of you girls might empathize with the main character as much as i did.

lastly, i know this whole post might seem like just a summary, but i just wanted to get it out. i'd rather not dwell on the subject because my heart is changing and i am slowly healing.

i love all of you. please don't give up on love, beauty or anything that is dear to you. hope is a beautiful thing, and it is not always foolish.

xoxo,
coco

a lot

this week, this month just everything

has been a lot.

can't really recap right now but i'll spill the beans soon (:

so much is going on, yet all of this is numb at the moment.

just wanted to let you girls know i'm still here and reading your blogs religiously.

love you all...

stay strong, have hope, feel beautiful.

coco

never trust anyone

not your friends, who only care for your wellbeing up to a certain point
not your mother, who stops loving you depending on her mood
not your sister, whose feelings of jealousy and rivalry overcome love
not your lover, who gets distracted and tempted in a second
no one.

God, can you hear me?

can i even trust myself?

dying of a broken heart

oh, i know i'm being immature.
i know this will have to pass eventually.
stupid,stupid,stupid.

but i really just can't seem to get over him!
i've tried and i've waited but each day is painful and long and all i want is for him to love me back and realize i'm the one for him.

all i want is to have someone for myself.

i feel sick with jealousy that any other girl might capture his attention.

it makes me weak, helpless, empty inside to know that his feelings for me are dead. cold.

maybe i need to really lose weight? maybe then i'll be more attractive. and confident.

i have these phases where i feel desperately in love and dying of lovesickness, and another where i feel calm and rational and know that everything is going to be okay, and that my time will come.

except the latter doesn't happen very often, and i'm usually dying of lovesickness.

what should i do?! i want us to be like Harry and Sally except minus the long wait and hurry up to the happy ending.
i want my happy ending.

back on track

loves, i've been crying over this boy and eating disgustingly
but time to get back on track!! :)
i really shouldn't be like this to myself and i know i deserve better
so thank you, and i love you all who were so kind to give me advice <3 <3 <3

lately i've been seeing progress due to my plan of eating only three times a day. it really helps me because i sleep really late and although i'm starving by 11 pm in the morning i feel fine and my stomach is getting smaller! :)

so i'll still post up a post-winter break picture to show you all :)

anddddd

going to shower soon, going to start working out tomorrow (hopefully this dreadful rain stops!)

i have a problem of being rather lazy when it comes to working out in my room. i love running and going to the gym but i can't seem to do push ups or little things that really help when i'm alone in my room. hm. so i'll try to work on that.

tatafornowwww<3

coco