my lovelies

i'm so sorry i've been away for so long...i've missed you all! <3

lately i've been talking to this boy...

and he told me he likes me but i don't think he's very committed to me. he talks to other girls, he hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend, and...

it's so miserable.

i feel like i'm giving him everything i have and he's just going to snatch it away...

i don't want to touch food because i want him to love me and

it's just so miserable.

but i love being in love......

comment allez-vous, mes papillons? how are you all?

okay.

i seriously have not been following my plans of losing weight like mad over winter break. so it OFFICIALLY STARTS TODAY.

STARTING FROM TODAY I AM NOT GOING TO EAT A LOT.

the maximum number of times food can touch my lips today: 3

i mean that very literally.

okay. here goes, loves. not going to fall. not going to stop.

to make me motivated, i'll post a picture of myself at the end of winter break.

no fucking pain = no fucking gain.

what's wrong with a little chivalry?

i'm the type of girl that won't say yes unless it's done the right way.

it doesn't even have to be something extravagant.. all i want is honesty, frankness and a little bit of courage.

a look straight in the eye.

tell me what you really feel. and don't hold back.

or you'll lose me

motivation?

a boy of my own

what a curious feeling!

i wonder if that'll make me want to stop eating

today we were eating food and he joked around saying "stop being so anorexic and finish your food!"

....

you really don't even know.

words fail me

dreamy plans

i am repulsed by my body.

the only way i can starve is to finish my fucking finals and have my college apps out of the way. then i can lock myself in my room and watch foreign films all day, without a single bit of food touching my lips.

i can hike deep into the mountains with a copy of Faust and a blanket and some water, and read for hours and sleep in the sun.

i can go to the beach and listen to music and watch the sky change colors.

i can spend the night with a boy i like watching the city and the stars smoking weed

i can go swimming at the gym for hours

i can lie in my bed until 1pm and feel my ribs and hipbones and feel happy

does this sound sick? i feel giddy just thinking about this..

reasons

sometimes i don't really have a reason.

or do i? maybe there is a small, invisible reason, so tiny yet so important that it gnaws at my mind and my conscience and forces me to act the way i do.

what am i saying? you don't understand me, do you? it's okay because i don't understand myself either.

superficial? well i am made of flesh, i suppose everything on this earth must be superficial then.

temptation to lapse back into old habits and hedonistic pleasures

back into self hate and hatred of others

agony bitterness jealousy envy

lips part, eyes widen and i start to make a move

but i stop myself, shut my lips and avert my eyes.

think before you act, i tell myself myself myself

who am i?

lost in a maze, lost in the crowd

i am trying to find my way home.

when you can't go to the gym,

have a dance party!

:)

shitty stuff has been happening over the course of this week. however i will not let that get me down because i will get skinny.

i will be beautiful.

will. do. this.

sweet rain

i love you all, my beautiful, kind, thoughtful friends.

i am often lonely but whenever i see your comments i feel better, safer, loved.

today it started to rain so i went outside in my backyard and tiptoed in my underwear (was home alone). it was a delightful, silly moment until the phone rang and i stumbled inside.

so my lovely friend helen has decided to make a plan.

i think i will do the same!

here it is:

1) no eating past 5 pm

2) steer clear of sugars, candies, crackers/chips

3) exercise at least an hour a day

should be simple enough! my kcal range will most likely be between 900-1200

wish me luck!

coco

12:39 am

"meet me in montauk,"

she whispers.

take em' up

so what do you do

when you suddenly hate your best friend with a passion

and you hate everyone

and you fucking hate yourself?

i want to sleep for a hundred years

and wake up to a new world.

my loves

hellooo fellow bloggers (and/or readers) :)

i just wanted to give you wonderful ladies an update of how i'm doing, because nothing else really has been going on that's particularly inspiring..

so. this morning i weighed 118.7 lbs. that's a bmi of 21.0.

still not where i want to be, at all. but i gained so much weight since the summer and at least i'm losing it, even if it's slowly.

i can't believe i was once 108 lbs. really, i don't understand how i let myself go so easily.

but i will keep going, and i will stop eating so much and i will be lose fat by the end of this month.

i can. and i will.

xoxo,

coco

last night is really kind of in pieces, like shards of light at certain times of the day

it was cold. a light drizzle

with two friends, lovely lovely friends

we blazed and smoked and watched the glittering city lights on top of the hill as the night slowly crept away

i remember being rather frustrated at my inability to be composed and collected

then i realized i wasn't the only one

i also remember being able to see quite clearly despite the dark and being rather startled by how close charles was sitting next to me

but in a pleasant sort of confused way

....it was a good night. i woke up smiling.

i still be lady daydream

i've succeeded in pushing away my two best friends (out of paranoia)

succeeded in pushing away a potential lover (for fear of heartbreak and later rejection)

succeeded in feeling all the more worthless because of it all.

my only solace now lies in losing all my fat and becoming beautiful.

please, please, please.

you're all i have left.

gobble gobble, not

thanksgiving weekend.

food, food, plates and plates of utter horror.

i have thursday, friday, saturday and sunday until school begins again and december is here.

i'm going to do a fast. for all those days.

well, thursday i have to go to my cousins' to eat, so i will eat ONE meal there.

i'll try to cut up my food and look busy, and not eat until i'm full.

wish me luck. let's see how much weight i can lose during these four days.

ubiquitous queens

queens. they are everywhere.

whether they are in school

in church

in the studio

in blogger

queens feel the need to dominate, to spread their oiled feathers everywhere.

let me just clarify one thing.

all you faux queens, wake up and look around you.

no one's there.

internally bleeding

but there's no life in my eyes

it's like i'm hooked up to a respirator

waitin to die

hooked up to the fuckin chair

waitin to fry

-immortal technique

struggling

i am pushing everyone away.

i am pushing everyone away.

i am pushing everyone away.

but i need someone.

so

so

so

so

much.

------------------------

birdie you are my guardian angel

hello earthlings.

so lately i've been in a funk. you might have noticed. you might've not.

anyhow, i'm slowly getting better, i think. i can tolerate not eating at night, and as of late i haven't been major binging. been going to the gym or fencing every day, and if i keep this up until the end of this month i might actually see some changes.

a lot has been floating in my mind lately. actually, a lot of nothing. sometimes i feel depressed. and many times all i want to do is sleep, listen to music, or both.

i will try....to fast.... at home.

basically not eat when i get home.

perhaps not an outright fast, but a juice/tea fast?

that would definitely be under 1000kcal then. trouble is getting that past my mom. but i'll try. i really will.

i think that is a good plan. the thing is, i want to try a little tofu and a small salad, but it never stops there. i always binge afterwards. so i think this will at least help me lose the five pounds i need to lose.

once i lose five pounds it won't be that hard going lower.

...down to 118...

then down to 115....

..then down to 112...

...110...

....108...

...104....

happiness...

shadow waves wash over me

s




she wants to sleep in a city that never wakes up, blinded by nostalgia

again

i keep telling myself the diet starts today.
but i ALWAYS FAIL. always.

i was doing great today until i got home, and ate, and ate, and fucking ate.

when will this torture ever end?

sigh. i can't let myself admit defeat, though. that would mean death.

i will start again tomorrow.

i will tell you girls how it goes.

stomach bug

ugh.

i threw up today. not on purpose this time, though.

didn't eat until 1 pm. then everything went downhill.

finding it hard to stick to my diet.

dunno why. didn't used to be this hard.

maybe i'm slipping out of my eating disorder.

maybe i'm finally becoming normal.

except that's the last thing i fucking want to be.

THE NOVEMBER DIET

Breakfast: one apple or one banana

*small snack* NO SCHOOL FOOD- power bars...?
-tea time-
Lunch: apples/vegetables

-tea time-
Dinner: must be vegan
tofu, vegetables, soup or fruit.

Forbiddables: Cheese
Milk
Chocolate (excluding hot cocoa)
Pastries/cake
Ramen
Chips
Rice (can't control myself)

Substitutes: Vegan cheese
Fake Meats
Tofu
Hummus
Pita bread
Whole wheat pancakes (small ones!!)
soymilk
Yams

i've slumped again.

yet again, i've lost all sense of motivation. my diet has stopped and i am eating so much lately it's terrifying me.


must get back on track.

november is supposed to be the LOSE FIVE POUNDS MONTH

WHY THE HELL AM I STILL AT 120 LBS THIS IS A DISGRACE


okay. FIVE FUCKING POUNDS. I CAN DO IT.

my muscles are sore from running and fencing but i'm still huge and my stomach, thighs, arms and neck are bulging with FAT.

must. make. a plan. one will come up very soon.

xoxo,
your ever determined friend coco

never enough

for the longest time i've felt trapped. high school is nothing but a big test; a precise rat race to success. so naturally college seemed like the perfect escape plan- escape from my fake friends, my nagging and critical parents, my old habits.

except now i'm not so sure that life gets easier. this worries me because it's as if i'll never really be fully happy. fully content and satisfied and proud of my achievements and life.

will i EVER feel confident? not inadequate? beautiful?

ever?

what does it take to feel satisfied? time? love? nonchalance?

or are we doomed..

oh, the miracles of the gym

burnt at least 600 kcal at the gym today.
hurrah.

this kind of motivates me to eat less so i'm actually burning enough to lose fat. i want to lose five actual pounds by the end of november. that means seeing results in my arms, stomach and thighs!


yay me yay me yay me

-------------------

question: how do you burn fat on your arms?

oh God

why the hell am i SO fat. i am such a fat disgusting bitch and i can't bear this terrible embarrassment. SO FAT i'm always the fattest in group pictures, the FATTER friend and the one with the hideous belly, arms and thighs. fat bitch. you don't deserve food. or love.

rant

i like boys. but i also get extremely disgusted and repulsed by them sometimes. whenever a boy/man touches me it makes me cringe and i want to die. and whenever i imagine some boy i know thinking dirty thoughts i want to stab my insides out and jump off a cliff.

is that normal?

california dreamin'

so this homecoming was the last homecoming i'll ever go to. high school's been a bitch, but in the long run pretty alright, for a virtual hell. i think i'll even miss it a little.

my date was sweet. pretty cute, but in the geeky sense. tall, lanky, nice-smelling with a cute personality.

i had fun, and even felt a bit pretty for the night.


wonder how these last few months will pan out before i'm off to college!
-----------------------

also. currently back in love with darjeeling tea :)

trying to replace shit with healthy food, such as tofu in place of frozen meals, fruit pops instead of frozen chocolate...

does anyone know what i can replace rice with? any good substitutes for whenever i feel the need to binge on carbs?

oh and i'm trying to visit the gym as much as i can. today i went for an hour (because i had to babysit my sister and was in a rush) and worked on my thighs.

going to burn off all my fat, lose 5 pounds by the end of november, and be skinny by the end of december, and get a belly piercing by january.

i'm going to do this! i will and i must and it's a neverending desire but i'm going to conquer it. because fat and happy cannot coexist in my reality.

i feel

fat. fat. fat. fat. so. hideously. fat.

what am i going to do with myself.

also my friend bought some weed. going to smoke a shitload next weekend. fuck yeah.

i also did a very naughty thing. which isn't surprising since lately i've done a lot of naughty things.

also now have a copy of Skinny Bitch in my room. wonder if it'll help me. at least i've got the Bitch part down.

my dress is black chiffon, loose and flowy but tight and sequined on the top. straps and quite flimsy. a little too flimsy for my lard ass, buddha stomach and jiggly fucktard arms.

oh fuck me.

HC?

lovelies,

the mother makes me sad as always but i'm alright. i hope she gets better, or something.

in other news,

i got asked to homecoming :)

104

today my mom screamed at me like the fucking psychotic depressed maniac bitch she is, and for ten minutes i sat there in the car trying to understand why things had to come like this. why she has to embarrass herself by storming into public places, screaming and bitching like a crazed patient, and why she has to ruin a perfect day into a day where thoughts of suicide and slow death dominates my shattered mind.

where is the mother i knew and loved? where is she?

i see myself walking in a field, a warm, sunny, grassy field. the sun is high up in the clouds but not bright enough to be white, just warm warm yellow and orange. there is a slight breeze, which carries wafts of honeysuckle, jasmine and yellow roses. i am alone, so alone, by myself. wearing a light white gown made of soft clean cotton, and there is no one there to see me. my hair falls around my shoulders and i keep walking, walking, until i reach the hill under the maple tree. i lay down under the tree and close my eyes, as i go to sleep for eternity.

arms flailing, screaming but no sound

wonder what it will take to finally get back on track.

what about a gym membership? Mom's taking me tomorrow to check out the local gym because i begged her. also made some excuse about pedophiles in the neighborhood..hehe

so hopefully i exercise everyday and eat very little. and by the end of november i want to be thin, at least 5 actual (not water weight) pounds lighter.

meaning slimmer arms, slimmer thighs, flat belly.

i think that's achievable in a month, don't you?

looking for my lifesaving flotation device. hopefully this time i grasp onto the right one.

xoxo, coco

the cycle begins. this time let's make it straight.

GOAL WEIGHT

104 pounds.

okay. starting over. again.

---------------------------------

it hurts when you realize someone you desire like the sun is cold as snow.
i can't imagine why i would want to repeatedly hurt myself in this way for something unattainable.

"Love is like the sun; desire, only flash. desire dazzles, but the sun gives life." -Ruslana Korshunova

if only i could remember this the next time i cry over him.


girl, stay strong. keep your head up high, shoulders back, take a deep breath.
and exhale.

day well spent

i like my bangs, a lot. this is strange because it's rare that i'm ever so satisfied with my hair. also my face looks smaller with hair covering half of it, so there.

if you've lately been confused about who's who, there's S and B, both of which are impossible and also maybe R, who's also impossible. in other words, i don't really have a lover because none of them actually want me as much as i want them.

hm. who wants to take me to homecoming? No one. i guess it's going to be a long night..

le new haircut

goodbye, forehead! :)

strange things are happenin'

hello ladies. operation get over B failed.

ironically as soon as i posted my last post he facebooked me saying something funny. i ignored that. but somehow we ended up chatting and he ended our conversation with "night love<3"

...helplessly vulnerable.

hm.

okay. maybe i need to think this through.

i think i can get over B if i try hard enough, you know, because i'm shallow and a teenager and all.

i guess.

i'm going to follow this plan (feel free to add your own input!) and see if i still like him. if i do,then this is not just any old crush.

1. delete/block him from your aim list.

2. don't text him.

3. talk to other boys (perhaps i'm just lonely for male company. who knows?)

4. focus on school and friends and family

5. lose weight

6. go to your homecoming with another guy (this is a MAYBE...)

7. don't go on his facebook.

that should keep me occupied

platonic?

i think i'm in love with my best friend.

fuck.

house party

a couple of houses away. i don't even know these people but the music is loud and crazy and i just want to go there and drink and fucking lose my mind and lose myself.

lose myself in a big crowd where nothing matters, nothing matters at all.

tragic

oh girls, thanks for letting me know i'm not alone in this, this endless source of pain and self-loathing. it's so paradoxical that i eat without thinking yet food is always on my mind. why? a sick obsession if you ask me.

oh and i always find a way to break down about something, whatever it is. i hate how my psychotic mindset is getting increasingly harder to hide and reign in. the tears and the screams and the blurriness is getting worse and i can't make myself shut up.


my friends are noticing that i'm acting strange and it's killing me because i want to say everything but at the same time say nothing, nothing at all and just disappear.

i feel so alone. maybe if i'm pretty i'll be loved.

lament #12838472952485

dear fatass,

PLEASEEEE PLEASEEEE become pretty. PLEASE. don't eat food and don't get fat and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE look nice in jeans and shirts. PLEASE. you cowwww fuck youuuu!

i really wish i could be skinny. it's like something that's so close yet so far...

is that so wrong? why must this be denied to me, of all things?

so twisted.

we met one day in wet cement
where we glued our eyes shut
and pressed with our fists
and while the trees are shrinking now
they forgot their roots
and sloped in the ground
and while I'm picking out my favorite names
where our future is concerned
in the steady blur of the days
what brought us here, why we try to say
we face back all the way

now the cement's hardened in my chest
a world of wax
scraped in through text
and someone was calling just before I woke up
my broken record spits good and bad luck
and with my broken, pale black eyes
I still see white when the snow falls lightly
in the steady blur of the days
what brought us here, why we try to stay
but we face back all the way

Wet Cement, The Morning Benders

hello

ahh. today is a beautiful, cold day with rain, fog and white haze. something about the heaviness of the air reminds me of something cool and calm, like sleep. or death. i don't have anything important to say. i had approximately 400 kcal today, i think. i like black lace; i'm wearing my mother's black lace shirt right now. it makes me feel pretty, and is my only consolation besides the hope that someday it will look better on a thinner me. yes, a thinner, thin thin thin me.

adieu <3

coco

shh

...in a pathetic crawl with a whimper i return. not with a bang, but a sad, fat whimper.

yeah, i'm disgusting and gross. and stupid. and selfish. but whatever. i want to write this down and i want to do something about this. lately i've been butting heads with my mom 24/7, and i've spent the past week crying everyday after school over my pathetic existence. i've also taken an addiction to walking in the rain and eating ice cubes.

what is becoming of me? who am i? i don't know, i don't know, you don't know...

so judge me. but i'm going to make it through, you'll see. i don't want to hate myself, and i don't want to feel worthless. i want to fight for myself. so i guess i'm back.

and fuck the haters. fuck them all.

indefinite

thank you everyone.

this is really embarrassing and right now i don't deserve to be speaking to anyone... i'll come back when i deserve to.


love you all...

xoxoxo coco

okay

i feel pretty shaken up about what you said, especially because you're important to me.
yes, i suppose it's bad to eat very little. i don't want anyone dying because of my blog. but what happens in my life is what i put down here, and what i say is how i feel. if it's offending, i'm afraid i can't change myself, because this is the last place i have to turn. literally, the last place. i'm really sorry for anyone who felt triggered by this blog who is in recovery or whatnot. but i can't help it. my mentality is that food is bad, and i can't have people telling me to change that even here. i really just can't deal with that because i have nowhere else to turn. please just don't read what i say from now on then, even if i like you. because i just can't change this aspect of me.

coco

my loves

i love you all so much, you are SO KIND! :)

a million trillion hearts for you girls <3

i really feel so much better and happier whenever i see your encouraging comments; even if i'm having a bad day (which i did) seeing such kind lovely words brings my spirits up quite a lot.

and....

i did keep my promise :)
i had NO FOOD today:) nothing. not even a single drop of juice, nothing with calories.

i'm drinking green tea, which has no calories.

still a bit traumatized from yesterday (maybe i'll save it for another post), but nothing is in my stomach right now and i feel great.

i also went fencing today, so i burned some calories through exercise too!

i REALLY, sincerely hope that all of you beautiful kind souls had a great day. and we will keep going until we reach the skinny we want to be.

xoxoxoxooxoxo,
coco<3

screw up

sorry matilda.helen. and everyone else who was watching me progress. today my dad made me dinner and he tried so hard and i thought it would break his heart if i just left the plate untouched. i had salmon, beans, and vegetables. and now i'm eating some cereal.

yeah, once i start, it's a destructive path down.

but on the plus side, i won't eat tomorrow; i'll drink very little juice and go fencing to burn more calories.

i'm sorry.

yours truly,

fatty

bitter

why is it that love seems to fade after a while? how can two people love each other with the most pure, unconditional commitment and after a few years despise each other? was it lust, not love, then? or does love not exist...

my parents make me never ever want to marry. it used to make me cry when they argued, but now i'm just numb. numb and full of cold hatred for my mother, who uses me as her stress reliever to gossip about my father and complain about him to me. it's not fair. just because i'm her daughter i don't see why i must hear this about my father whom i love. it makes me so angry and hurt that my mother doesn't take my feelings into consideration. she has no idea how fucked up all this bickering and hatred has made me.

i can't wait to get into college. call me ungrateful, selfish, whatever. my mom does more harm to me than good, and i to her. i can't stay here for long.

i'm going to go far, far away, away from california and the smog and the heat and this family that is sparkling on the outside but rotten on the inside. i'm going to away from the hatred and the bitterness and the jealousy and mocking. i'll go some place beautiful and mend my wounds there, and start over. become a better person. and wait until my sister is old enough, and we'll travel the world together.

i can't love my mother because she hates her life. she hates her husband, she hates me. she longs for her past beauty, intelligence and freedom. i understand that. but that doesn't make me want to love her.

i wish i could see her reaction if i died. i wonder how that face would contort. perhaps into a smile.

day one is done

so today i had black sesame soymilk for breakfast (130 kcal), diet snapple raspberry tea for lunch (0 kcal), one more carton of soymilk (130 kcal) and two cups of freshly juiced carrot juice (?). not sure how much that adds up to since the carrot juice is iffy, but a good sign is that i'm hungry, haha. i craved sushi and chocolate cake today. good thing i didn't cave in. the picture below is a big motivation. seriously. and thanks to you girls who thought i looked okay. i don't agree with you, but still, it was nice and i thank you for that. i also went fencing today which means i burned calories...hehe

still really repulsed by my flabby stomach, horrendous cellulite-encased thighs, wobbly arms and fatty neck. but i will change my body. i will. i must.

xoxo, coco

10/11/10

feel free to laugh, puke, cringe, scream. i am disgusted but this is my motivation. i will become my own reverse-thinspo.

goodbye, fat! thin is on her way :)

this is not a romance

i'm in love with S. so very much. i know it's foolish and he has a gorgeous college girlfriend in New York but i like him. so much. when he put his arm around me i stuttered and blushed; when he smiled at me last week my heart stopped beating. i'm not in love though, because it won't work out. my hands get clammy and my mind goes blank; when he laughs and tells me to slow down, i'm always rushing, it's okay to relax...i can't resist him.

he sent me this song. we talk mostly about music and politics. i talk a lot to fill the space for fear he'll find me boring. i want to erase him from my heart but i can't stop thinking of eating pancakes with him at 1 am, smoking weed with him on the grass, and holding his hand while we walked through the crowds.

it's just wishful thinking. not a romance.

so it begins.

day one was decent, but i drank a bit too many juices to call it a "fast".

starting monday i'm going fencing again :) which means calorie burning goodness. hehe!

here's my plan (and i'd love to read everyone else's!):

breakfast: carrot juice, apple juice, or soymilk

snack: soymilk

lunch: orange juice, fruit juice

dinner: juice...?

i can't function on just water. in an ideal world i would drink water and float away, but unfortunately i am 17 years old, writing my college apps and essays, attending school and fencing. i can't afford to faint, because i'll lose everything.

but instead i make a compromise: natural, homemade juice a couple times a day and lots of exercise. i will lose weight, and i'll do it well.

we can do this.
xoxo, coco

it's easy when it hurts

i know i come off to some people as aloof, standoffish, cold hearted. but when my best friend no longer seems to care about me much, when he seems to be rather annoyed at me than happy to talk to me, it just about breaks my heart. it feels terrible to be rejected by someone you really really love spending time with and talking to. things just aren't the same. and i can't make myself forget him but at the same time it's killing me to think about him any longer. i don't usually get this upset with people- in fact, i pride myself in not letting myself get hurt easily. but with my best friend i feel as if something very precious has been snatched away, as if something pure has been tainted with ugliness and bitter blackredhate.

what happened? what went wrong?

i feel so alone.

I'M ALIVE

8

SAT's are over. YES!!!!!!!!

THE OCTOBER FAST BEGINS AS OF TOMORROW!!! MATILDA!!! (i am screaming inside of excitement :)

also, hello io :)

the other beautiful ladies that wanted to join matilda and i on our fast, jump on board!


cannot. fucking. wait. to be...pretty.

plan

today i will:

-study for the SAT
-finish my math hw
-do some government homework

cross my fingers!

hopefully i can squeeze in there a walk, and maybe a light meal so i don't binge at night. i really don't want to eat though, but i don't want to set myself up for disaster...

i love you girls. will post up some niceties later :)

grocery shopping at night

vegetarian lean cuisine, some low fat greek yogurt. should taste yucky and sour but i'll make myself like it. no more cookies/bread/pastries for me. what a naughty fat girl i've been!

no eating past 7, nearly no snacking between meals. no meal should go over 350 calories.

i also don't drink milk anymore, even though it's nutritious. can't afford the calories, you see. unless i drink it by itself and let that subsist as my meal. except i hate plain milk.

wearing a short bohemian dress, except i can't show it to you because my arms and legs are too fat.

but perhaps in the (near?) future.

love love love

fail

utter, utter fail.

can you believe that i actually talked myself (yes, i actually did talk to myself) into eating late at night? i told myself,"what's the use. you're not getting prettier and no one likes you anyway" and i ate. i just ate even though i felt a horrible sinking feeling. and afterwards i sat down and laughed at myself, and took a shower. in the shower, as the hot water rolled off my fat, lumpy body i felt a sickening disgust forming within me. i heard a voice hiss at me, dripping with hatred. "you fat, fat, pathetic cow," it said. i could not help myself- i was beyond tears and i wanted to die. growing desperate i plunged my fingers down my throat and purged, my disgust growing bigger as more of the shit came out. it was so disgusting, so very very sick and pathetic. i hate myself and i don't know what will ever become of this fat, pathetic girl.

hm...

it's been quite a day- i started off wonderfully productive by doing lots of physiology reading and having nothing but iced tea and carrot juice

..and then i went to SAT prep and felt a bit discouraged about my scores, so i stopped feeling wonderful.

and i ate. and ate. and ate. and i don't know...i just..

i don't know.. i can't weigh myself again today. not today.

...i was doing so well too...

morning chill

i love foggy mornings. they make me want to swim in bliss and drink ice cold tea and dance around :)

today is my sister's birthday! and i'm down on the scale...(wait for it) five pounds lighter !!!

it's kinda weird, though, because i don't feel five pounds skinnier. so hopefully if i eat VERY little today and drink lots of tea and coffee i can keep my weight by the end of the day!

so far i've taken a LONG shower, sat down and listened to some BEACH HOUSE (amazing band, check it out loves:) and.. today's my little sister's birthday party so i'll be making balloons and such.

no food yet! let's see how well i can do today:)

adieu<3

numero uno

hello mes chéris

thought i'd make you smile with a nice song. outside my window the white roses look so fresh and plush against the deep emerald of the grass, so lovely...

la la la :)

the 9-day plan

breakfast: black beans

lunch: fruits

dinner: lean cuisine!

1-2 small snacks allowed: 1 slice of bread & some nuts / yogurt

and nothing else! it's only until October 9th, the day of my SAT. so i feel good, not bloated, focused, healthy. i really have no problem with this, if i have a motivating factor. honestly most of the times i fail in dieting is because i feel like nobody cares and i lose motivation. but October is a new month! we can do this, Matilda! :)

i think i can definitely accomplish this because my mom packs me fruit for lunch, some nuts & a slice of bread for my snack (haha how convenient, no?) and i always have black beans for breakfast (not tasty, but i can deal with it). the only moderately hard part might be after school when i have dinner, but i'm thinking if i can stick to lean cuisine and maybe a small yogurt afterwards, i won't be tempted to binge.

* one positive thing i have accomplished this week: i've taken a strong liking for green tea again! i used to love tea but i stopped drinking it for some reason. now that it's becoming winter it's the perfect drink! :)

*one thing i hope to resist: eating past 7, eating cookies/chocolate- it's difficult because i have a very strong craving for sweets, even more than some people crave french fries or mashed potatoes or whatever else people crave.

*one thing i look forward to: oh, i want to save this for my next post!!:) october is going to be AMAZING after my SAT date:) so many things i want to do!

xoxo, coco

p.s. i know i'm posting quite a lot but i just can't keep this all to myself:) plus, i like making plans. so here it is. i promise to follow it!

break

sometimes i need to distract myself from the issue with weight, beauty, etc. because it doesn't always help me. maybe i need to become more confident in my interests and absorb myself with things other than myself. maybe then i won't have such an unhealthy relationship with my body.

maybe; it's just a thought.

i wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented on my posts for the last week. i've just been busy so i've been visiting sites sporadically, commenting whenever i could. i really love it when you girls post, it's like i'm learning about amazing people but at the same time i see aspects of myself. i miss a lot of things, and i wish i could tell everyone out there how much i appreciate your kindness and dedication to staying strong, supporting each other. we all go through tough times, but we're holding on, aren't we?

i think i will post more music videos, pictures, poetry and song lyrics from now on. i'm actually really into music and literature and art, but i've never really thought of extending my interests unto here.

i think i'm rambling. i miss you guys. have i said that before? probably. it doesn't matter, please speak to me soon, all of you!

millions of hugs, kisses, laughter and funny faces,

coco

mohr, mohr, mohr

feels impossible.

fat forever? is this my damned fate?

trash talk

sometimes i can say the most wicked things. i can murder with my tongue, with my mind's hands. i wish i didn't have that in me.

dear me,

please don't set yourself up for failure. you promised yourself, you begged yourself, pleaded- that you would lose at least three pounds this week. you promised not to eat past 7, not to eat junk food or have any chocolate in school. you promised to focus on becoming skinny and losing that jiggly horrendous belly of yours. don't you want to be pretty? don't you want to be loved? don't you want to feel like you belong with all of your beautiful skinny friends?

please, don't forget. please. please. i believe in you.

why can't i just stick to it?

why why why?!!

i know i'll regret it later. i know i HAVE to resist. but i just cave in. i throw all sense of responsibility/ good intentions out the window and i stuff myself, stuff myself until i'm emptier than ever.

hmm. this really needs to stop. i must fix this. otherwise before you know it i'll be so fat there will really be no other solution than to disappear from the face of this earth.

*removed my phone number for privacy reasons, but if anyone wants to text me, please please do tell me! :) *


xoxo, coco

last day in bouville

life, passionate beautiful life passed
now i sit in the ashes, the ashes of my own
what once soared the heavens
lies trampled in the dust
the dust of my own
i am grey
now i am grey
but the phoenix rises
it rises once more

lately...

i've been feeling uninspired. tired, empty, fat. mostly fat.
stopped dieting and thinking, just eating until i felt sick...

i should start again. what do i do when everything seems futile?

have you ever

been so lost?

a thousand kisses

thank you lauren, matilda and kenya! you are all SO sweet (and matilda thank you for the cheerful post :) i was a bit confused today:

-breakfast: soup with a bit of brown rice
-no lunch
approx. 4 pm: tofu

binge: 1 slice of bread (60 kcal), cereal (???), the inside part of sushi rolls (not the rice)

ughhh. but i also walked for 40 min. picking my sister up from school, and later swam for an hour in the cold pool. not sure how many calories that burned...

oh. and because it was my birthday, my parents took me out to dinner and we had italian food. i felt sort of sick because it was too much food, so afterwards in the restaurant bathroom i tried to purge but it was mostly water and salad...strange. i did have a lot of salad and water though.

and when i got home i had a slice of cake, and a bit of my sister's leftover slice.
... today is my birthday, and i didn't really see a way out of that...

anyways. if you were disgusted by what i wrote above, my apologies. i received money, cards and beautiful boots from my family! if you want to see pictures i may post them up later. although i wish i could lose some more weight before doing so...
Overall this was a delightful birthday:)

xoxo,
coco

happy birthday

to me. seventeen years have officially passed since i was but a fetus in my mother's womb. they say that seventeen is when a girl is at her prettiest; i don't know about that but from now on i will try to be beautiful. thank you for your nice comments! although the camera quality, angle and lighting have a bit to do with how "pretty" i look, i'm not going to push away those lovely compliments. instead i return them to you (: i love you all; each and every one of you who have been so kind and caring for me when i thought there was no one who cared.

xoxo,

coco

unveiled

/deleted/


this is a bit risky. but just in case you were curious. i know i am when i read your blogs :)

anyways i really don't have much to say, so this is all i have to offer.

adieu mes beaux papillons

.

i realize there is no point in self editing...
this is me
this is who i am, whether i like it or not


"inside every cynical person is a disappointed idealist"

this makes me sad

p.s. stayed home today; lied that my allergies rendered me helpless to do anything. i can't function

i hate this

i want to die


i hate myself i hate my body i'm so fat and disgusting and i want to just die

i don't understand why i am so ugly

my friend and his other friend joke around that i'm fat and they don't realize but i want to slit my wrists and die because i fucking hate myself

i am such a fat disgusting ugly cow

fuck my pathetic life

---------------------------------2:02am

took a hot shower for the second time today
purged
my eyes, nose and throat are swollen from crying
my lip is cut and bruised from my fits in the shower

i think i'm ready again. tomorrow i will fast. and starting now i'm going to work towards becoming thin.

going for a run outside even though it's late. waiting for my mom to go upstairs so i can sneak outside. i'm determined to sleep on an empty stomach and sore muscles.

inspire aspire to just be me

i was looking through photos from last year, and i found that this is a wonderful way to get motivated to looking like i did before. i've changed since then; my bangs have grown out and my hair is long, wavy and slightly crazy and lighter/redder in color. i've gained about 10 lbs. my style has changed, my thoughts and music interests as well. but i look back and i feel a tinge of envy over the old me. i don't think i felt fat back then; now i'm painfully aware of it everyday... i have to get back in shape. i want to be able to lie in bed on cold mornings and feel my hipbones...feel my ribcage...sharp shoulder blades and flat stomach...and thin, thin, thighs.

thin thighs are so.so.so.lovely.

i'm going to do this. i promise like i've never promised before. i know my official diet/change is due in October but i need to start taking baby steps. no eating past 6. ever, ever, again.

soon-to-be

seventeen...something new, something old, something foreign yet also familiar.

starting sept. 17 i will start taking care of myself, mentally, physically, spiritually. i don't want to be stuck in my sixteen-year-old shell any longer (although i have grown quite accustomed to it) and i'm pretty sure this is the right time to start. of course i can't do my fast until promised, in October (i cannot wait, lovely lovely lovely girls!!:) but i'll start preparing for it, by cutting back on meals, exercising more... and meditating.

on the topic of meditation i have a few questions and theories, all of which i'd love to hear your opinions about.

meditation...i believe this is one of the key components of being thin, if you're not naturally a rail (i know i'm definitely not). fasts can only last for so long, and we can only do them so many times in our lives until we get hopeless and frustrated and depressed. (that's not to say they're bad...but not reliable as a sole means of staying thin) Dieting requires immense self control, and at a certain point if you're not motivated (and i think you all can agree that motivation has its ups and downs) everything crashes down and we (i?)'re back to feeling despondent and fat.

so instead of training our bodies (which we should, but let's face it, a body is a body and a stomach is a stomach and the reaction to food is damned but inevitable) to completely reject food and not crave it 24/7, why not train our minds? our souls? in the history of monks, saints and other spiritually intact beings, people have fasted as a means of rejecting the bodily, the physical, gluttony. i believe it's possible, especially with such a beautiful support group, to do the same with ourselves.

we're all fighting for the same (or similar, essentially) things, aren't we?

i want to be thin because i want to feel beautiful. i want to be thin because i don't want to gorge myself on food like a selfish, nasty pig. i want to be thin because of the way my senses are heightened when i'm not sedated on food. Thin is acute, sensual, real...

i want to feel.
feel real
feel beautiful
feel loved

i love you

Matilda Bonnet, Helen, Kenya, Marg, Lauren, Birdie <3

Thank you for saying such kind, beautiful, thoughtful words to me. You might have some idea of how much it means to me because I'm sure others say lovely things on your posts and you feel like people care about you and it just makes you smile... thank you ladies again and I only know that I'm here for you too if you need anyone.

xoxo, coco

i

just


want


to


be



beautiful....

enlighten me

why the fuck should i even care about losing weight if no one cares about me regardless? why don't i just become fat; you wouldn't like me either way. fuck society and its pretentious ideals. fuck everything. i can be anorexic and it's a problem; i can be normal and it's fat; i can be fat and it's disgusting; i can be myself and it's never fucking enough. so fuck you. fuck you and i don't give a shit anymore.

fuck

my fucking day is so fucking frustrating

i have a fuckload of shit to do for ap gov and ap stats, and it's taking so fucking long and my "friend" i swear wants to fucking sabotage my relationships by copying everything i fucking do and like and everyone i talk to fucking annoys the shit out of me. i swear i'm a fucking psycho.

i hate this FUCK why am i such a bitch i hate my moodswings and i hate how the slightest things drive me insane i hate this ihatethisihatethis

i just want to stop everything and sleep and cry. sleep. sleep. sleep.sleepsleepsleep

FYF fest

today was ....indescribable, but i will try.
how can i put a day like this in a mere post? i can't begin to capture the bliss i felt watching local natives and best coast live, the sun beginning to set, turning the sky a smoothie (yes, i said smoothie) of peaceful blueblueblue, soft pink and hues of orange. The occasional breeze was like a shower of kisses and i felt alive. alive. smoked cigarettes and weed with a green-eyed fellow and took pictures with bethany from best coast and patrick from titus andronicus. was starry eyed albeit tired from watching washed out; fell in love with the guy because he looked like a statue in the metropolitan museum... had nothing from 12pm-12am except 2 10 calorie red bulls and a few chips (so as not to look suspicious). after we all went to dennys for pancakes but i still managed to way less than before when i stepped on the scale just now.

mes chéris, i am so happy that you want to join me on my fast! i love and miss all of you, i want you to be strong and take care of yourselves and prepare for the fast after the SAT in October! i think i will start at around the second week of October, and it will be a week-long fast, maybe followed by a milder version so we don't die. ha ha, i love you and i wish i could meet each and every one of you so i could give you a big hug and listen to some sweet music with you .

xoxo,coco

despondence is beautiful in its own way

considering a fast after the SAT in october... i'm going to make an elaborate plan. anybody care to join moi?

une femme est une femme.

coco

scared

i'm scared that you might like me

and realize that first impressions are often wrong.


i could never be the girl of your dreams. but i wish.

hmmmmm

so a music fest in my area is coming up. and i'll probably end up faded as fuck. but not drunk. because i've got to be home by 1am and my parents are hawks.

so this means i have to lose my disgusting weight so i can feel less self conscious when i'm with gorgeous people listening to beautiful music!

i must i must i must.

---------1:47 am-------------

i am so fucking hungry i want to go downstairs and have a bowl of chocolate cereal with cold milk i am so fat i am so fat fat fat

as i type this i look at myself and i loathe.

day 2

breakfast: 1 cheese stick~80
1 bowl of cereal with 2% milk~230

snack: 1 bar~140

lunch: chopped cucumbers, cherry tomatoes and grapes (shared with friends so my intake should be less:)~100

dinner: 6-inch subway: whole wheat with swiss cheese, tomatoes, spinach, bell peppers, olives and vinegar~230

snack: half a bottle of naked juice ~70
coca-cola zero~ 0!!! :)

total amount (4:55 pm): 850 kcal

hm. feels like i ate more, but whatever. tonight i'm going to have some green tea and go for a jog at around 6 pm. hopefully no more food later!!

*thanks kenya, i appreciate your concern; no one's dying here (i've got more than enough to sustain me HAHA) and good luck with everyone else who's doing this plan with me!

xoxo,
coco

day 1

breakfast: 1/2 protein shake
snack: 1 bar
lunch: sliced cucumbers,grapes and cherry tomatoes
half of a veggie burger, no condiments/cheese, etc.
snack: 1 bowl cereal with 2% milk
1 bar
~910 kcalories

dinner: lean cuisine: 230
dry cereal (binge): ~200(?)
bowl of grapes: ~100

total eaten: 1440 kcal

*ran for approx. 40 min. today...i think that's about 200 kcal burned off

so.. i guess that adds up to 1240.. again, this might not be accurate because i always assume something is more calories than less, and i usually round off numbers. i haven't eaten since maybe 8pm (the grapes), which was after my run. i'm hoping i can do better by eating earlier and not binging on cereal/bars. my parents were eating food later with some wine but i quickly ran upstairs to the safety of my room :)

i think i've burned calories throughout the course of the day, but i'm not going to weigh myself until sunday! wish me luck loves <3

xoxo, coco

*note: i'm SO GLAD for those who are joining me on my september goals! i love you girls and i will watch you get thinner with me :)

adieuuu<3

promises and excuses

this time i'm taking out all excuses.

i promise (for the month of september, and after that we'll see):

1. run everyday (well, mostly everyday unless i have a huge test or crisis, etc)
2. no eating past 7 pm
3. TRY to sleep early
4. virtually no junk food
5. amp up on my sex appeal (or whatever little i have) by taking care of my skin, hair, clothes, etc. **doing this should keep me motiviated to get thinner
6. study hard, so i can go to a beautiful university and live my life

hello sunday

today i woke up at six, took a shower, and walked around my neighborhood for an hour. i liked the fog and the chill. lovely. i thought about allen and the way the lush orange,yellow and green leaves reminded me of him.

i went to church later today. i had half a bagel and two individually wrapped cookie treats. and some tea and coffee.

for lunch i walked with my friend and i got a grilled cheese sandwich. because i only had five dollars.

i am writing this now and i haven't had anything else. i think in total that was about 700 calories. i know it was a lot, but i don't want to feel guilty about it because i am not perfect and i'm going to be better tomorrow. i think i'll have some fruit or salad later, and have some tea or something without calories. maybe i'll go for a jog if i have time, and hopefully stay under 1000 calories.

adieu mes chéris,

coco


------7:33 pm------
after the town hall meeting, which had a horde of muffins and cookies and pretzels... i couldn't resist and i had two small muffins (those tiny ones with chocolate drops in them) and a small cookie (by small i mean half the size of my palm). booooooo. did i mention before going i had a whole cucumber?

i came back, had some oatmeal and a 90 calorie twix icecream bar (i hate how it's smaller than my palm but it's so fattening) before heading upstairs. i read some of your lovely posts and decided to go for a jog. now i'm a bit dizzy but i feel refreshed, especially after my private dance party in my room in my undies:)

so i guess that would be 700+(approx)430=1130 calories eaten, but i'm most likely under 1000 now because i've just come back from a 30+ min jog and a crazy dance thing. huzzah for exercise, thinspo and motivation!

i'm not going to eat anything tonight. i promise. i promise. i promise.

so it turns out...

i was sick last night, which partially explains my sour mood (although i have my other reasons). i realize that a lot of the people i know i do not like very much. what can i say? nothing in defense.
je me déteste.

no one likes les bébés pleurnichards! but i am a whiny baby. i really am. i hate being fat, fat, fat fatfatfat. maybe being a whiny baby isn't so bad. but being a whiny baby that does nothing to solve her problem is.

aidez-moi,

coco

suffocation

i cannot breathe.

words escape me and i am insignificant.

i am invisible. you see right through me, right over me, past me.

what do i mean to you? not nearly as much as you mean to me.

dizziness and nausea hits me like an unrelenting storm

you are too cruel, too cruel.

empty

teenage angst fuckin blows.

restart

will attempt to say everything in bits and pieces...

a) sometimes i think my mother derives pleasure from snidely insulting me and slowly driving me insane. i don't think she realizes to what extent. ha ha ha.

b) i've been terrible at keeping control of my weight recently- i need to stop the chocolate, peanut butter and cookies. devilishly evil. (diet buddies, anyone?)

c) my sister just came back from korea. time to have more fun with her than mope about my unrequited lover who is arguably the most beautiful and interesting boy i've ever met.

d) i need to focus more on schoolwork and SATs.

e) that is all for now

x)oxoxo, coco

grief

grief. grief. grief.


you will promise me that you are happy like this.


pain

breathless

the sky is so beautiful it makes me want to jump and lose myself in it forever.



i know i should be studying but for now i just need to stand outside and take this all in.

xoxo



coco

so

the love interest is confusing me. A is the type that you're never sure if he has a special place for you in his heart or if you're just another girl, because he's just a nice, outgoing boy overall. A is super eccentric and funny and maddeningly cute even when he doesn't try to be, while i have to think about how my hair or face looks everytime i see him. A told me today that he "loves" me. but that's just his way of saying goodbye apparently. i don't give out "i love you"s that easily, just like that. it makes it cheap.

i guess my dilemma here is that i can't trust him. i don't know if this attraction is mutual or if it's a one-sided thing. on top of that, A knows i have a crush on him (long story; i'm not usually that forward) and if it's getting to his head i'd rather just not see his face ever again. i have some pride left in me.

and to top it all off, i'm seeing him in approximately 1 1/2 days.

i wonder if i'm just digging my own grave here.

oh envy

i really wish i had red hair.

it's been nice

chicago was a magical three weeks of puppy love, laughs, new friends and first times.

i had a lot of fun and i will definitely treasure my time at the University of Chicago. Leaving for home is bittersweet, but i think it's high time i got back home, readjusted to my old life, and started preparing for the road ahead.

i've got a lot to do in terms of college apps, studying, training for sports and losing weight. one thing i can say with certainty is that i've learned quite a bit about relationships and people in general (having lived for three weeks with my suitemates and students without parental supervision). i'm ready to take on the crappy world that is high school again, and i'm going to make this year amazing.

watch me.

melancholy

orange
purple
blue
pink
sky.



this feeling is so heavy, yet it floats in the air.
will we ever meet again?
my logic tells me, however flawed, that eventually your spell will fade away into the corners of my memory
but for now,
i can feel it
you are so alive to me right now...

the tension i feel when close to you
the mere thought of your eyes
clear, so clear. so infinite.

no one else matters right now, is that a problem?

you asked me yesterday what i thought about you
if i told you the truth
you might be frightened
at how much i like you.

i still can't use the word love.

i don't know what it is yet.

someone, please
fill this emptiness
my loneliness

feeling positive

thank you lovelies for the comments on the previous post. i reread them until they were imprinted in my heart; you are all so beautiful...

who knew words could carry such meaning, such love. if one word could say everything you wanted to say, what would it be? i wonder.

perfume mixes with nicotine.
the faint scent whispers in the air-

i think i will miss you.

if only feelings, if strong enough, could be transmitted across the distance to the one you love, and he could feel it.

and feel the same way.


i can only dream, dream, dream
kiss me through the air; maybe i will feel it

je t'aime

i love you. all of you.


thank you for being supportive and loving and beautiful.

i wish i could somehow give back the thoughts and care you've all given me; i wish i could be a fraction of the beauty you contain.

the days go by so quickly, so fleeting
like the white blossoms that float by outside

except flowers bloom every spring



broken hearts
so red, so pure
can you feel my pulse?
it beats for you, for me, for anything


i love you.
i love you.
i love

things are

okay. could be better. but that's how a lot of things are for me.

eating okay. not much snacking going around, mostly because i simply don't have the luxury of doing so time-wise and money-wise. trying to work out every day, it's motivating when a lot of the guys here are skinny and look as if you could break their bones.

hm. what would be the most efficient way to lose a LOT of weight in 2 weeks? i hunger for tips and advice, fellow bloggers.

xoxo, coco

so it's 1:10 am and i'm lonely.

chicago is not exactly the happiest place on earth when you're sitting in an empty room working on an impossible essay. it's also frightening with police warnings everywhere about muggers lurking at night. and when boys in your dorm are obnoxious and pretentious, it makes one almost wish that one was back home.

i don't really miss california. well, maybe just a little bit.


oh. and will update more on my lustful adventures mentioned in the previous post...(well. maybe i'm exaggerating a bit, but a girl can dream!)

lovers

love is a wonderful thing, so i'm told.

but i think that i may have only experienced lust.

sometimes i don't mind as much, but sometimes

it makes me wonder...?

chicago

leaving for a one-month trip to chicago this friday. no parent supervision. you all know what that means...i'm going to get thin! :)

sigh. it's about time i took myself seriously and got back to work. honestly, when my motivation drops it's shocking how low i can go (or how high, according to the scales)... which is why chicago is a chance for me to start afresh, in a beautiful city on my own.

i would also love to hear any suggestions on how to maintain weight loss/ good appetite suppression tips, etc. so i do well on my own :)

here's my plan:

breakfast: oatmeal, fruit and coffee

lunch: lean protein, cooked veggies or salad

snack: ...yogurt? fruit?

dinner: salad with protein/ soup/ grilled veggies

all in all, even if i don't follow this exactly i aim to stay at around 700 calories, because i plan to walk and exercise a lot.

i'm REALLLLYY hoping this will work, and that i'll follow this for a month. i'll need all the motivation i can get, so i'll be on blogger daily with updates!

xoxo, coco

ouch

so

much

pain


i don't know why i do this to myself.

experimenting

just took a 5 minute ice cold shower

and ate a few uncooked dried kidney beans.

i hope this makes me sick enough to make me stop wanting to eat at night.

i'm sorry for those who are probably disgusted/scared of me right now- i don't mind, i feel the same way.

but can't you see i'm left with very few options? starving only goes so far before i collapse and am sent to the hospital, where i will most likely be force-fed. bulimia, which i am told by a very wise person, does not make you skinny and leads to heart failure.

so this seems like the right dose of medicine- minimal eating and a bit of sickness to knock some sense into my food-enchanted brain.


by the way, raw beans taste terrible. i'm feeling dizzy already. going to spend the night listening to beautiful music and lying upside down on my bed. yummy.

hungry.

i hate myself for being hungry

i hate it i hate it i hate it

what is wrong with me?

i'm going to make it through tonight, i can do it.

i wonder how long this will last.

i love

the feeling of my ribs and hipbones poking through my skin as i type this lying down. i love the feeling of an empty stomach, a bittersweet satisfaction that really can't be found anywhere else. i love it all, damnit, but i've still a long way to go. there's no way i'm stopping here, and no way i'll settle for this. i'm just enjoying the progress i'm making, is all. still a fatass.

friends

thank you for opening your arms
when i'm shattered and hopeless

thank you for making me smile
when the tears streak down my face

thank you for waiting for me
when i'm waiting for everyone to leave me

thank you for giving me love
when all i deserve is punishment

thank you for being my friend.
the best i can do is learn from you.

early mornings

i love waking up in the morning, feeling the cool air lightly mist around me

this morning i took a morning run. it felt amazing and pure.

i had a small sweet potato and a bit of baked hashbrowns with salsa- but in total it was smaller than my fist (still bad i know but i'm trying to be positive!)

and now i'm at starbucks with my tall soy latte. i had a pb on wheat sandwich just now, don't ask why. but i think that's all i'll have until dinner (it's 12:36 pm right now)

dinner....1 granola bar? hm. sounds okay, but i think i might have had one too many carbs today. boo. well i'm going to burn it off at fencing later, and starting tomorrow i'll eat mostly fruits and veggies!

oh & ladies... i hope you all are having a wonderful summer so far! i haven't been very up to date on everyone, and for that i am an arse, please forgive me.

i miss everyone (especially birdie and helen who are both away at the moment <3)

my best wishes and a wonderful day to you all<3

coco

organize

i know i've been inconsistent & a bore, but bear with me (it gets good later...sike)

breakfast: 1 granola bar & water

lunch: something involving protein & veggies

snack: fruit smoothie (can't get out of it... thanks mom)

dinner: lean cuisine/fruit salad/veggie salad

as a rule i'll stay under 1200 calories daily- i used to eat way less but considering how much i burn from sports and whatever supposedly it leads to uncontrollable bingeing later. which sucks ass but i guess i'll stick to around 1000 then.


confession: i really hate eating raw salads. it pisses me off, because i know it's a good meal and amazing for my fat ass but it tastes like grass. but i think if i eat it enough i can grow (i.e. force myself) to like them. maybe. hopefully. i better.


miscellaneous tips: beans make you REALLY full. grapes/dried fruits are fucking calorie bombs; stay clear even though they appear harmless. carbs (for me, at least) act as a catalyst for binges, so don't have any at all unless it's whole wheat- even then, be careful. stale chips act as a deterrent for compulsive bingeing; you're less inclined to keep eating nasty stale cardboard than if they were fresh & tempting. AVOID EATING WITH FRIENDS/FAMILY- you're basically setting yourself up for an epic failure- and you know it, too. make smart choices at starbucks- soy lattes are better than caramel frapps- and don't even think about adding whipped cream.

and last, but not least- salsa is ambrosia for skinnies. it's so flavorful yet low calorie it's unbelievable. salsa on your eggs, salsa on your salads, you name it.

thought i'd add a last bit: my greatest weakness at the moment is cereal with milk. i consume copious amounts of it. need to avoid cereal at all costs; must lose my affinity for it & replace it with healthy nasty salads.

GOOD LUCK TO ME, FUCK!

hi

* i would not dare think of leaving for good.

* totally stupid for thinking that i could leave my ed and be happy

* getting back on track. starting now.

* cannot fucking wait.

change

i think this is becoming beyond my control.


i will be taking a break for an indefinite period of time. i don't know how long i will be gone- a week, a month, whatever. i just...need time to think about things, myself, my future... right now is too chaotic and i need some time.

goodbye, and i wish you all the best.

panic

sometimes i feel great, like i'm going totally well without carbs and food.

but most of the times it's a constant battle- physical versus mental, sensory versus spiritual. i feel agonized yet it's a necessary, bitter process... to healing.

i need this; i know it's good for me. i can't go back to purging and feeling worthless and self-loathing- anything is better than that. even if it means biting my lip at the thought of food, salivating and mentally kicking myself in the head to snap out of it. even if it means ignoring the hunger pangs at midnight, or the dizzyness after hours of doing anything but eating. even if it means staying away from the kitchen as much as possible.

i just need to think clearly, remember that time in my life when i hated everything about my body and i wanted to just demolish it- and ask myself if i want to return to that state. if i want to ruin the wonderful progress i've made by succumbing to a stupid, vile piece of thing that just sits in my stomach. if i value myself enough i can't do this to myself. i need to get out of this vicious cycle. i just hope i can last long enough.

thanatopsis and the Metaphysic

the concept of infinity- "indivisible and impartible...untraversable"- is quite the confusing subject. difficult to comprehend, if you think hard about it. because it's almost beyond our comprehension, if not completely. we've never even seen it before! this realm of mind-boggling expanse of infinite is almost so weird it can't exist. yet people are quite certain it does.

and we have time, and the timeless. and springtime. to imagine that a couple thousand years ago, a young girl was sitting in a field enjoying the sun and the flowers. fast forward back to 2010 and i'm that girl, except probably a bit fatter and sitting in front of a computer.

but no matter. spring is here, and we've got no time to study Kant and his Metaphysic hodgepodge.

hunger

is it really that difficult to control?

are we not more than carnal beings?

is not the soul stronger than the body?


i know i want to be thin because i find it appealing. but there is more. i want to be in control of myself from the spiritual level. i do not want to eat in order to satisfy some insatiable emptiness from within. that emptiness is not hunger for food. it is hunger for something else. for life, for love, for knowledge, for something. but not food.

until then i will keep fighting. until i can decide when to eat. and to eat because it nourishes me, not because i am a mess.

what does eating mean to you? and the reverse? why do you choose to restrict yourself, if you do?

da da lum

memories fade into ground up crystals and visible light
heat seeps into the house, past the glass and the blinds
the brain is fried due to hypnotic music and white sunlight
keeps me from going out where it's nice
is not the word; i'm trapped/
the insides feel like shit.

leave me here to melt; proceed thereon to put me up for display

what becomes of the brokenhearted? is the question of the day.

heartbroken

you say you're here for me
you make sure i'm okay
you visit me when i'm lonely
you call me when i'm scared
we get along well
we listen to music
we laugh
we have spontaneous lunch dates

but we could never be more than best friends
you are too wonderful for me
and better off with a normal smiling girl
you'd get tired of me if we were together

so i'll leave it at that
keep my broken heart to myself
try to put the pieces back together
by myself




today i purged again. i think i will do a liquid fast tomorrow. it's strange how when everything deteriorates in my life, i can get back in control.

iman love

j'adore.

music lover's award

thank you helen<3

ten songs that i have on repeat lately...

1. Sweet Disposition- The Temper Trap
2. Mardy Bum- The Arctic Monkeys
3. Like or Like Like- Miniature Tigers
4. Rich Girls- The Virgins
5. Last Words- The Real Tuesday Weld
6. A Dance 'Round The Memory Tree- Oren Lavie
7. Paris- Yael Naim
8. Don't Know Why- Norah Jones
9. Love Is Colder Than Death- The Virgins
10. The Party- Justice ft. Uffie

my ipod is white.

i don't quite know who to give this to- you all deserve a million of these.

anyone who sees this (i really do love you) is who gets the award. consider yourself (yes, you there) awarded :)

SOS

in desperate need of motivation; some reason to live

haha okay, so it's not a matter of life or death.

but lately i have not been posting much because i feel simply hopeless. like all of this is just high wishes that can never be achieved. it's so hard.
thinspo only serves for me to feel sad and hate myself.
but even that doesn't stop me from eating till i want to die.

i think i overeat on purpose so i can feel like shit afterwards. if that makes sense. i'm twisted and sad, i know.

but back to the point- are any of you guys feeling down lately too? how can i get out of this slump? i really need to get myself back together but the pieces are so scattered...

hatred

burning, burning, leaving nothing but ashes

black black soot in the rubble/debris

nothing to apologize to, nothing left but the smell of burnt flesh

emptiness scorches hotter than white coal

i can't take it back; you've already been burnt

is it mine that is burning or yours? or both?

can't tell.

some scars never go away

you know the ones that leave marks? that never fade completely away?

i really don't like those.

this is more of in the figurative sense. i guess what i'm trying to express here is this feeling of heartache and bitterness i feel after my encounters with some people. ex boyfriends who want to make your life miserable just to see you suffer, friends who throw knives at your heart and expect you to apologize, and the like.

it almost makes me wish i never met those people. but do i really want that? i don't quite know.

all i know right now is that it hurts, and i'm tired.

behold

my latest obsession: grape tomatoes



one grape tomato has 1 calorie. love.

disaster, minus the beautiful

today was horrendous. absolutely terrible! it was rainy and cold today, which meant i couldn't go running today (i hate it i hate it i hate it) and i binged like a depressed pregnant woman. so i purged. well, not completely, but i did anyways...which wasn't even effective i think because it wasn't even that much... and i still feel huge. TERRIBLE! why do i do this to myself, i haven't the slightest idea. i think i need to respect my body more and not let it become hideous and blubbery. maybe change my outlook on life: do i want to be human or whale?

...so i think i need something to keep me organized and focused. and so i think i shall make myself a plan. for swimsuit season, of course.

SCHOOL DAYS

-breakfast: do not finish breakfast...usually oatmeal or black-bean shake(which tastes terrible by the way, but if it's healthy i'll eat it, damn it)

*throw away/give away snacks that mom packs to eat...to make sure i don't eat it i must do this as SOON as i get to school

-lunch: starve, fat bitch.

*after school: have fruit/yogurt or oatmeal...NOTHING ELSE NOTHING ELSE!!

dinner: try to eat as LITTLE as possible...eat what mom makes but if it seems too fattening (which often is the case) have ONE bowl of cereal


WEEKENDS

breakfast: keep it light with either a drink or oatmeal/cereal/piece of fruit

lunch: fruit! eat fruit!...or starve like a good girl

dinner: whatever mom makes (unless it's fattening...then go for something light)




xoxo,

coco

not funny

my guy friends joke around that i'm fat. a couple of my closest friends told me i was crazy for believing it... but it has to be true. i know it's true because i feel disgusting and insecure and ugly. there cannot be anything but bones left. it has to be done. no more procrastinating, shitting around. i won't let you get to me any longer; i'm going to fly away.

muse

chanel iman


i wish to be like her one day.


*as a sidenote: i apologize to all of you beautiful souls out there for not blogging as often as i used to; it's just my stability is on and off these days and i feel so scattered; i need some time for things to settle before i do anything for more than 5 seconds ... so for the time being, please tolerate her even though she's being terribly annoying :(

much love to everyone, stay strong and lovely xoxo,

coco

acceptance? compliance?

would it be sick if i told you i purged for the second time today, and felt like flying afterwards?

quite possibly.

but i had to; i saw no other way out.

perhaps i want someone to save me

but a big (if not 100%) part of me would rather fight than give this up.

"nothing tastes as good as thin feels."

i love you kate moss.

unsolved mysteries

things are a lot more complex than i imagined. i justwant everything to be okay in the end.

springtime is so beautiful; flowers make me happy

i'm sorry (this is not a good post)

i did it for the first time

i don't know what came over me...this demanding, obsessive urge to purge

but i did

at first it was hard; tears blurred my eyes and i thought nothing was coming up; i was a failure, too stupid to even throw up what i ate

i tried multiple times and i gave up after a while and went into the shower

with the hot water pouring i tried once more

and was shocked to see it come out

i don't want to say anymore; i don't know what to feel except nothing.

i'm scared of myself

shakingscaredterrified

ineedtopurge

i'm so scared right now. i don't want to do it but at the same time i can't let this shit stay inside of me

i promised myself i wouldn't; in fact i didn't want my close friend to do so but right now that's all i can think of

someone help

please

mixed feelings and mother's day

i'd love to find a person that i love and who loves me back; i'd like to give my unconditional love to my kids someday. i'm not yet sure if i'll even end up getting married, but it's a nice thought. today, for mother's day, i spent hours making pasta with loads of fresh vegetables, shrimp and wine, followed by a handmade card and offering to wash the dishes and clean up the kitchen afterwards (not the most delightful experience). i felt happy going out of my way to do something for someone i care about; it was a nice change from self-loathing and bitterness at the world. haha, only kidding (sort of). i only wish i could have the heart to be this nice to my mom every day, and that she could feel loved like this each day. it kind of makes me sad that beautiful, amazing things don't last very long... but in a twisted sort of way that makes them all the more special, i think.

well, look at me, debbie downer, overthinking mother's day.

haha, i also wanted to give much love to all of you out there; i'm especially delighted at ellie's terribly kind gesture of giving me a blogger award- thanks so much<3 and for those who didn't have a very nice mother's day, i am here for you and i extend my love and thanks for being wonderful caring people. i hope everyone has a great week and keeps blogging! i don't always have time to comment but i genuinely love reading everyone's posts.

xoxo,
coco